“That's part of it. Gina was something special,” I said. “She was truly my soul mate, and I don't even believe in that shit. But we had something special, something I'm not finding with anyone else.”
Dr. Miller nodded. “You'll never replace Gina,” he said. “Never in a million years. And I wouldn't encourage it even if you could. You shared something special with her that can't ever be duplicated. But that doesn't mean you can't find something equally as special in its own right. And just because she's gone doesn't mean you have to live the rest of your life alone. She wouldn't have wanted that, Marcus. Gina would have wanted you to be happy.”
His platitudes were the same I'd heard from almost everybody since the day I'd lost her. I was almost sick to death of being told she'd want me to be happy. Yes, she would have. I wasn't denying that. But she also wouldn't want just anyone raising our children. I had a right – an obligation, really – to be picky. It wasn't just about me, it was about those two precious kids who deserved a stepmother who loved and cared for them as deeply as a mother would.
They needed someone they could love in return.
No one I'd met off these internet dating sites to that point, had come close to living up to that standard. Sure, I had my pick of women. Being a financially well-off and reasonably attractive man, I received countless messages from women expressing their interest in me. I knew I could go to a bar and pick up any beautiful woman I wanted, but I didn't want that.
I wanted someone who met my standards.
“I'll keep looking,” I said with a shrug. “But as you know, I can't force a connection if there's nothing there.”
“That's very true,” Dr. Miller said. “All I want you to do is keep trying. Keep meeting new people and open yourself up to the possibility of someone new. Open yourself up to the possibility of being able to care for somebody new; of opening your heart to them.”
It was easier said than done, but I'd keep doing what I was doing. I made no promises though.
I left the session focused on the rest of what he'd said, which interested me far more than finding a girlfriend online. I decided that he was on to something. He had a great point about getting out and doing something as a family, something fun and active, something that the three of us could learn and enjoy together.
As I walked out of his office, I decided that we needed to sign up for surfing lessons. Maybe Dr. Miller was right about surfing. We'd start very basic, but it would get us out of the house and on the beach more. It was something that would be good for all of us.
On the way home, I stopped by the local surf shop and inquired about lessons. The man at the counter looked, and sounded, stoned out of his mind, which almost made me turn around and walk out, rethinking my decision.
“Your surfing instructor is rad, bro,” he said, which made me feel better. “She's new, but she's supposed to be really good with kids. You're gonna dig her.”
She. Huh. At least our instructor wasn't going to be the stoner with the tribal tattoo who looked a little too old to be working the front desk of a surf shop. With his help, I picked out surf boards and wetsuits for the kids and myself. Zoey was going to be so excited. And Zack, well, he'd warm up to it.
It felt like the right thing for all of us.
Maybe I didn't need a girlfriend or a wife. I had my kids and we'd get through this together. We'd made it this far, hadn't we?
“When do we start?” my daughter asked, jumping for joy the moment I'd told her. “I can't wait!”
Zack stared at me, a look of fear in his eyes.
“Our first lesson is this weekend,” I said, ruffling the hair on my son's head. “And don't worry, buddy, we'll ease you in to the water. They told me the instructor is great with kids and will take things at a nice, easy pace.”
“I'm not scared,” Zack said, clearly lying through his teeth.
“Good, because there's nothing to be afraid of,” I said.
“I'm going surfing,” Zoey sang as she danced around the living room. “I'm going surfing and I'm so excited!”
It felt nice to see my little girl happy about something for a change. It had been so long since she sang and danced around the room like that. If only I could get Zack excited about our little outing too, but he was more like me – reserved, cautious, careful. My daughter was like Gina – fun-loving, care-free, and adventurous- always willing to try new things, no matter how scary.
“But Daddy has some work to do now,” I said. “Why don't we go in the back yard and play?”
The kids hurried out the back door, and I grabbed my laptop, following them out. There were benefits to my job, one of which was the ability to work from home in the evenings instead of spending all day and night in the office. Though it still occupied me enough that I missed out on time with my kids.
“Can I go swimming, daddy?” Zoey called out.
“Not this late,” I said. “It's getting too chilly. Maybe tomorrow when Emma watches you two.”
Zoey pouted for a moment, but then raced her brother to the swing set. I leaned back in my patio chair and opened my laptop. I heard music coming from next door and glanced over. Between the fence posts, I saw Emma sitting by the pool in a bikini. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes fell to the roundness of her breasts. I didn't even know how long I'd been staring before I realized what I was doing.
She's just a kid, I scolded myself, forcing my eyes away from her. But truth be told, she wasn't a kid anymore, that much was evident by her ample cleavage and curvy body. She was spreading some tanning lotion on her legs, humming along to some Katy Perry song, oblivious to me watching her.
Don't be creepy, Marcus. Stop looking already.