I grabbed my keys and headed out to my car, prepping myself for the difficult conversations ahead with my girls. I’d have to break the news to mom and let her know I’d be gone for a while, and then I’d have to go pick up Livvy and break the news to her.
Livvy would be excited for me to pick her up from school instead of my mom, but I’d have to spoil things with bad news. That was the worst part. My baby girl knew just how to get me to my core like no one else could. She was my weakness and my strength all at the same time. I’d have to find the right way to explain to her that this was the key to getting my new job, and while it would be hard for a while, the payoff would be better in the end.
I drove across town to my mother’s house, and she was shocked to see me so early.
“Don’t tell me someone already took a shot at you.” She’d had to hear that one too many times in the past and I couldn’t blame her for being a bit panicked from an early arrival. But early was better than late any day.
“No, but it’s not good news. Not the worst, but well, let’s sit down and talk.” I walked in and took a seat across from her favorite chair. She had little lace doilies on each arm and a quilt she and Livvy had made with their handprints folded across the back.
She lowered herself to the chair and took a deep breath. “You’re taking another undercover job aren’t you?”
“I have no choice this time, Mom. I’ll be gone for at least a few weeks up to a few months. But I have good news. Chief assured me I’d have the low key desk job if I can pull this off. He didn’t have to sweeten the pot, but he knows my situation.”
Her jaw stiffened as she looked away.
“Yeah, so if this doesn’t kill you, you’ll have a better job. That’s not much of a comfort, son. After you took full custody from Rebecca, I was more than happy to take responsibility to help you raise Livvy. She needs a good influence in her life after that mother of hers neglected her. However, she needs you in her life now more than ever. Promise me this is the last time, and if you don’t get that promotion, you’ll find other work.”
My mother had been a witness to everything that had taken place since Livvy was born, and was as happy as I was when I was finally granted full custody.
Rebecca and I had separated one month after Livvy’s third birthday. She’d resented that I didn’t earn a good enough living for the lifestyle she desired. I’d done everything I could to make things work, for Livvy’s sake, but I eventually realized that working in the police force was where I belonged. I couldn’t change myself for anyone. Eventually Rebecca broke things off between us and she was granted custody of Livvy during the weekdays, leaving me two lousy days in the week. Those were the hardest couple of years of my life.
Eventually Rebecca went from failed relationship to failed relationship, leaving Livvy in an unstable environment and leaving me at the end of my fucking wits. Time passed and there were incidents involving the police, due to Rebecca’s wild fights with her boyfriend at the time and one in particular when the police discovered cocaine in their home. It turned out Rebecca picked up the nasty habit from the asshole she was dating and they were both trying desperately to cover it up from the rest of the world. Her boyfriend went to jail for six months and I was granted full custody. I cursed myself for not realizing the truth and letting my baby girl live in that household.
“I suppose you’re going to pick up Livvy today. Fair warning, it’s ice cream day. I promised her a parfait and a trip to the park.” Mom gave me the side eye.
“I’m on it.” At least I’d have the buffer of ice cream day to help me through this one, and with any luck, my little girl would be so happy about that she wouldn’t worry about her old man.
Yeah, that’s wishful thinking at its best.
***
I hadn’t grown out my facial hair in years, but luckily in the week I had to prepare my look for the undercover work, I’d grown out a nice, even, short-trimmed beard. My hair was already a bit long on top, so I left it a little messier than usual, brushing it back away from my face with a little product to make it look a bit grungy. I didn’t want to look like a slob, but far from the buttoned-up man in uniform that I was for work. I stood back and brushed down my plaid shirt that I hadn’t bothered to iron.
I could get used to this.
I heard the shuffling of little feet on the hardwood, getting louder as she approached and a moment later Livvy leaned against the door jamb, her hand on her chin like she was forming a critical opinion of her old man’s new look.
“You’re messy, Daddy, and your shirt’s wrinkled.” Her ponytail flopped to the side as she turned her head and looked down at my boots. “At least your boots are still shiny.”
I glanced down and realized my boots were a bit newer looking than they should be, but they’d have to do.
“Are you going to work, today?” She pushed past me and climbed up on the little stool I kept for her and then she held onto my arm as she turned and sat next to the sink. She grabbed her toothbrush and the tube of paste and smeared her brush as I thought of how many mornings I’d miss out on her routine. I’d gotten used to enjoying our time together each day after the custody battle. I couldn’t wait for the day when we could finally live a normal life together.
“I told you I’ve got to go to work for a while. I won’t be able to come home, but Nana is going to take good care of you, and when I get back, I’ll have a lot more time for the two of us to hang out. While I’m away, we will have plenty of phone calls and face time sessions. I promise.”
She spit in the sink and then rinsed her mouth. Then she climbed down as if she didn’t have anything to say. Just when I thought she was going to leave without saying goodbye, she took my hand and led me to the kitchen where mom waited cleaning up the breakfast dishes.
“Will you take me to school?” My heart turned to stone as I looked into her big blue eyes. I hated to tell her no.
I glanced up at my mother for help, and she walked over and grabbed her keys. “I’ve got to take you this morning, sweet pea. Daddy’s got to head out when we do, or he’s going to be late.”
Livvy’s shoulders sagged as if the wind had been knocked out of her. “Fine.” She turned her feet in and swayed back and forth. “Give me my mooches, please. I want extra ones.” Her tone told me she was less than enthused.
I knelt down and took her hands. “I need a big smile if you want your mooches.” We’d always called our kisses mooches instead of smooches, and I always planted them right on her dimples. She flashed a big, toothy grin as I assaulted her with sloppy kisses. She tried not to giggle, but I always got her on the last one, when I’d blow against her cheek and make a tooting noise.
Her laughter was the best and it made it even harder to say goodbye, but I promised I’d call her and check on her and I already had my cover story in place for that.
I headed out minutes after she’d gone and then I drove out to the motel room where I’d be staying. While driving, I thanked my lucky stars for my mother. She was the only person in the world I’d felt 150% comfortable with watching after my little girl.