I tossed my phone onto the table and let out a growl of frustration – which seemed to echo around the apartment about as loud as the growl in my belly. We didn't have much, but what we did have food-wise, I had to make sure to feed Nolan and Emily with. They came first. I'd figure out something to eat for myself later.
The problem was that I had nothing to give them for dinner. The thought of sending them to bed hungry simultaneously broke my heart and filled with a rage I knew was entirely impotent. I didn't even know who to be mad at. Should I be mad at myself for not being a better provider? At my siblings for being entirely dependent upon me for everything? My parents for dying and leaving us in this position in the first place? Who should I be mad at?
It was a shit situation that none of us had asked for. There was no way I was going to willingly send my brother and sister back into the system. I would keep doing whatever I could do to make it work. There was nothing to do but keep moving forward. One foot in front of the other.
I stood in the middle of the living room and ran my hands through my hair, letting out a long breath. My mind was spinning in a thousand different directions and I was having trouble holding on to just one thread of thought. Everything just seeme
d so utterly overwhelming at the moment.
As I stood there thinking, I smelled the unmistakable odor of pot. Tim. As the odor grew stronger, I thought back a couple of days to his job offer. When I'd turned him down, it was because I knew he was asking me to do something illegal. To mule drugs for him. I'd been a little self-righteous about it. Part of it was that I didn't want to be mixed up in any trouble. I didn't want to do anything that would jeopardize my family. The last thing we needed or wanted, was for me to get arrested hauling drugs and sent to jail. Nolan and Emily would end up back in the system in a heartbeat if that happened.
But, that day, I'd also been sure I'd find a new job without a problem. I'd been full of confidence. Turns out, I was only full of shit. And now, looking at an empty refrigerator, not knowing how I was going to feed two hungry kids tonight, my thinking had been forced to change a bit.
Now, I truly was at the end of my rope and desperate.
I let out another long breath and walked to the door slowly, giving myself time to think of something else. Time to think of some way out of doing what I was considering doing. By the time I'd opened the door and stepped into the hall though, nothing had come to me.
“I've got no choice,” I muttered to myself.
Closing the door behind me, I walked down the hall and came to Tim's place. His front door was open, music was playing, and the odor of pot was stronger than ever. I waved a cloud away and knocked on his door.
“Hey Tim,” I called into his place as the door swung open.
“Hey, man,” he said.
“You – uhhh – you got a minute?”
“Yeah, man,” he replied. “C'mon in.”
I stepped into his place and felt my head swimming. Good thing I hadn't gotten a job because I didn't know if I'd pass a drug test because of the contact high. Tim was reclining on his couch in nothing but a pair of black shorts. He had long, blonde hair he kept tied back in a ponytail and a full beard. He was thin, almost gaunt, and had dull green eyes and pale skin. He was kind of a greasy looking guy – the type of guy who just looks like he sits around smoking pot all day.
“What can I do for ya?” he asked, offering me a hit of his joint.
I shook my head. “Pass, but thanks, man,” I said. “Listen, the other day, you said you might have some work and wanted to know if I was interested?”
He nodded, his wide smile flashing a mouthful of yellowed teeth. “Yeah,” he said. “I remember.”
“Yeah,” I said, my stomach feeling queasy – though, I didn't know if it was from the pot or just plain nerves, “I was kind of hoping you still had some work that needs to be done?”
Grabbing the remote off his stomach, he shut off the music and sat up, his eyes more alert than I think I'd ever seen them before. They narrowed a little bit as he looked at me, and that smile of his became a little more predatory. I suddenly felt like I'd made a mistake and my brain was telling me to turn and run – though everything else in me told me to stay. That I needed to be able to feed my siblings.
“Yeah, yeah, man,” he said. “I always need good men – discreet men – to help me out with some small errands here and there.”
“Well, I think I'd be interested in it,” I said. “I kind of need some work.”
He nods as if he understood. “Yeah, it's a tough job market out there right now.”
A tough job market that's only worse in a small town like Walter, where there are only so many jobs to go around in the first place. Not that I thought Tim knew much about the job market out there to begin with, given the fact that he sold dope.
“Right,” I said. “I kind of need to make some quick cash, so I was hoping that offer still stood.”
He looked at his watch and nodded. “Yeah, you have great timing, actually,” he said. “I was just about to call another courier, but since you're here, I might as well give you a test run.”
“I just need to make a little cash until something else comes through,” I said, letting him know I wasn't in this for the long-term. “I'm still trying to find a regular job.”
Tim waved me off. “Yeah, yeah, I get it, man,” he said. “No problem.”
“So, when do I start?”