His chocolate brown eyes were sincere and reminded me of the young man I'd met years before. The young man I'd instantly crushed on. Even back then, when he was only seventeen, Eli was a looker. He'd always been hot, and my body always craved him in ways that it shouldn't – especially considering the fact that our parents were together.
“Does that make you feel better or worse?” Eli asked.
“I don't really know how I feel, Eli,” I answered as I nestled my head against his chest again and listened to his heart beat. “Things have always been complicated between us.”
“Only because you want them to be complicated,” he said.
“No, it's – I mean, our parents were together. We're technically related,” I said, scrunching my face up at the thought of it all. “Isn't that incest?”
Eli laughed, a deep rumbling sound that caused me to sit up and move my head to the pillow beside his. I wasn't laughing, nor was I amused in the least. He turned around and looked into my eyes, cradling my face in his big, rough hands.
“Hannah, I'm sorry I laughed, it's just – no, I don't think of it like that,” he said. “We aren't related by blood. We didn't grow up together as brother and sister. And yeah, by marriage, you're my stepsister. But, how is that even in the same league as actual incest? We can have kids without them being inbred –”
“Wait, you want more kids?” I asked.
He stared at me, a puzzled look on his face. “I didn't say that – it was just an example.”
“Oh.”
My heart dropped a little, as did my eyes. I focused on his chest instead of his gaze so he couldn't see how much that one phrase bothered me. I knew it was an example and that I shouldn't let myself feel hurt over it – I just couldn't seem to help it.
Eli sighed, looking at me as if he could hear my thoughts. “I know you want kids, Hannah –”
“I didn't say that.”
“You don't have to say that. I've known that about you for years,” he said. “It's why you've bonded with Aubree so fast. You're a natural mother, and I'm – well, I'm a terrible father. I'm barely a decent human being.”
“You're not as bad as you think, Eli,” I said softly. “You've actually impressed me.”
The emotion was still swirling around so thick in me that I still couldn't meet his eyes. I closed mine so the tears welling up in them wouldn't fall. I couldn't let him see me cry. I wouldn't. I didn't want him to know just how much I cared. I pulled myself up into a seated position and started to climb from the bed, but Eli grabbed hold of my arm, stopping me.
“Hannah, please –”
“What?” I growled, wiping my eyes. “We shouldn't have done this. It was stupid. It's never going to work out between us, Eli. It can't. I mean –”
“Why? Because we're related by marriage?” he asked, sitting up.
His eyes were filled with emotion and his voice rose high enough that Aubree started crying in the next room.
“Fuck,” he growled. “She's awake now.”
I climbed out of the bed and moved toward the door, but he stopped me.
“No, I'll take care of her, go to bed,” he said.
He slipped his pants on and refused to look at me as he slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him. I stood there for a long time, debating with myself about following him and continuing the conversation, or letting it go for the moment.
In the end though, I knew it was no use. Deep down, I knew the fact that he was my stepbrother was only part of the issue.
We wanted different things in life – it was clear to me now. I'd get myself to the clinic the next day, get the morning after pill and be more careful.
Of course, this couldn't happen again. I wouldn't sleep with Eli again. I had to make sure of it.
I crawled back into my bed and pulled my knees to my chest, lying in a fetal position with the blanket hiding me as best it could. I hadn't been back in Yora for a month yet, and already, old feelings for Eli were coming back – stronger than ever. How I was supposed to protect myself from someone like him was beyond me.
I eventually fell into a restless sleep, tossing and turning and waking at every little sound. Part of me wanted Eli to come back into the room, to curl up beside me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Part of me wanted to feel his presence next to me. Feel his strong arms around me and the warmth from his body seeping into mine.
But, I knew that would be a mistake. I couldn't let that happen. I had to be careful with my body as well as my heart.