I was jealous.
Not of Aubree, but of Shawna. I was freaking jealous of a dead woman and I couldn't do anything to stop that damn feeling. Tears welled in my eyes as the realization hit me, hard, and I felt guilty for feeling it. Shawna was dead. I was alive. What right did I have to be jealous of her? Eli hadn't loved her. He swore that even though he'd been with her, he'd always loved me. I had more than she had, and yet, she was the one to have his baby.
I knew how childish, petty and selfish it was – which was exactly why I hadn't wanted to talk to Eli about it. I couldn't let him know what really bothered me, especially since nothing would change. He would still be Eli, a man with no idea what he wanted to do with his life. A man with no goals except to maybe get through the next month. No plans for the future. No kids. No white picket fences and backyards with swing sets for him. No little league or mini-vans.
None of that was what he wanted, but it's what I wanted. I wanted it more than anything in the world. Well, except for maybe Eli himself.
My two biggest wants in life didn't go together. They were like oil and water and I had to choose. I could either go after the boy and forgo all of those things I wanted. Those things I thought would make me feel happy and complete. Or I could go after those things and forgo the boy. Which, of course, would shatter something deep within me. Something I didn't think I'd ever be able to piece back together again.
Which was why I had to stay
away from Eli. Because there was no way that being around him would have made things the least bit easier. I just kept getting more and more attached to him with every passing day. It was obvious, given the fact that we'd fallen back together like we'd never been apart to begin with. All because I couldn't stop falling into his arms.
Well now, I had no choice. I wasn't going to run away again. For better or for worse, I was going to stay there in Yora and get to know my father. I was going to build my life there – with or without Eli. If it was going to be with him, there had to be clear, firm boundaries in place. He could be my stepbrother, but nothing more. As much as it pained me on some levels, it was how it had to be. For my own sake – and for his.
I put the letter back down on the table and made a quick lunch before getting ready for work. I had a solid career and a lot going for me. I was still young and relatively attractive. If I got my head on straight, I could meet a good guy and still could have the dream family, one day. I was on the right track.
I just had to stop sleeping with Eli. Easier said than done, of course, because he had to look like a frigging god. All jacked up like he was, and with those soulful brown eyes of his, he might have been the most beautiful man I'd ever laid eyes on.
Fuck me but staying away from Eli just might be the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
***
“We got another one,” Sarah said as I arrived at the hospital that night.
“Another what?” I asked.
“Overdose. This time, a fifteen-year-old boy,” Sarah said.
Her eyes looked heavy and tired. Filled with sorrow. Her shift was coming to an end, but mine was only beginning and I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut already. I'd only been there five minutes, but it was already shaping up to be that kind of night.
“His girlfriend's also here,” she said. “But, unlike him, she's awake and talking to us.”
“Think he'll make it?”
Sarah shrugged and wouldn't look me in the eyes. “Hard to say, but it's not looking good.”
Dammit. “What's a fifteen-year old kid doing with heroin?” I muttered to myself. “He should be playing video games or football, or just hanging out with his friends – not overdosing on drugs.”
“That's the world we live in, Hannah,” she said. “Sad, but true.”
I was already in a shitty mood and having two kids in the ER with drug overdoses wasn't going to put me in a better one. I got caught up on all the patients – Trevor, the fifteen-year old boy – was on death's door. His girlfriend, a fifteen-year old girl named Nicki, was likely to going to be okay and would be heading home soon. That was a small blessing.
At least she was going to make it, but God knew, most of the addicts ended up coming back through those doors to the ER sooner or later, and it was only a matter of time before she showed up on a slab too.
I was standing to the side of the nurse's station, reading over a few of the charts and cursing under my breath, when a familiar voice said my name.
“Hey, Hannah,” Chris said, his voice soft.
It was comforting to hear a familiar voice right now, and I gave him a half-smile at least, to show that I appreciated his presence.
“How are you tonight, Chris?”
He shrugged. “Given that we have two kids who nearly died, I'd say I've been better.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I was going to go in and check on them here in a minute.”
“The boy's still non-responsive,” he said, shaking his head.