One More Time

“I guess I should shower, too, then, huh?” I said, ruffling his hair.

I glanced at Sean one last time before I took the kids upstairs. I helped Sarah take a quick bath and then set her up in her room to play for a while. While Tommy took his shower, I went into my bathroom to take a quick one myself. It barely lasted five minutes. I rushed so I could get downstairs and check on Sean.

As I toweled off my hair, I hurried downstairs to see Sean still sitting on the couch. It looked like he hadn’t moved a muscle since we arrived back home.

“Hey,” I said, walking over to sit down beside him. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” he said. He didn’t turn to look at me. Instead, he kept his eyes trained on the wall across from us.

I looked at it, trying to see what he saw but there was nothing. I sighed and touched the back of his head, gently running my fingers through his hair. When he didn’t react, I moved closer.

“Did the writing go poorly today?” I asked softly.

“It was fine,” he snapped.

“Okay,” I said slowly. “Then what’s bothering you?”

“Nothing,” he said again.

This time, he jerked his head around. His eyes flashed as they found mine, and I quickly dropped my hand from his head. I frowned and looked down at the couch, unable to hold his gaze for a second longer.

I hadn’t seen him so angry in a long time. Ever since we admitted our attraction for each other, his mood had improved. He no longer walked around the house moody and standoffish. There were times when he was distant, but he was rarely angry.

“Listen,” I said, clearing my throat. “I know it’s been tough, trying to get this book written, but you’ll do it. I know you will. You just have to keep pushing through.”

“The book is fine,” he said shortly.

“It’s obviously not,” I said. “You’re clearly upset, and that’s okay.”

“I’m fine,” he said. His voice was low and his face so tight that I didn’t know what to do to break through his wall.

“Sean,” I said. “You can talk to me. I just want to help.”

Without another word, he stood up and marched down the hallway. He didn’t so much as glance behind him before he reached his study and disappeared inside. I jumped when he slammed the door. As I stared at the closed door from my spot on the couch, I thought about going after him.

It wasn’t long before I thought better of it. Sean was still grieving Telissa, and I knew he needed some space, but it was hard. I wanted to be there for him, to help him through this difficult time. I couldn’t do that if he slammed doors between us. With a sigh, I got up and made my way upstairs to check on the kids.

Tommy was finishing up his shower and Sarah was still playing in her room. I leaned against the doorframe to watch her. She was dressing her dolls in different outfits and tying their hair back in messy braids. The sight of her playing so peacefully brought a smile to my face.

When Tommy came out of the bathroom, clean and dressed, I wrapped him in a hug and held him tightly. My mind was still preoccupied with thoughts of Sean, but being with the kids helped me focus. If Sean wanted my help, he would ask for it. There wasn’t anything I could do except encourage him to let me in. If I pushed too hard, he might lash out, or worse. He could end things between us and fire me again. Then what? I just promised Tommy and Sarah I would stick around as long as they wanted me to. I couldn’t leave them now.

As dinnertime rolled around, I took the kids downstairs to eat. Sean didn’t leave his study. I went down the hall and knocked, calling out that dinner was ready, but he didn’t answer. I strained my ears, trying to hear movement inside but there was none. I sighed and turned around.

Tommy, Sarah, and I ate dinner alone that night. We laughed and talked and planned our next adventure. Sarah wanted to go visit the snow cone stand again, but Tommy insisted on a bug hunt. By the time dinner was over, the kids were exhausted. Sean still hadn’t emerged from his study.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE - SEAN

From my study, I heard Emily washing the dishes. She’d already put the kids to bed and came back downstairs to clean up. I sighed and leaned back in my chair, listening to the sounds of her moving around in the kitchen. She was so close and yet, she felt so far away. I knew I’d been rude to her earlier, but I couldn’t help it. My frustration was getting worse with every passing second, and I couldn’t stop it.

All day, I tried to write just one sentence, just one word. My first draft was far from finished. I’d barely started it, and when I read over what I had so far, it was awful. Around two o’clock this afternoon, I trashed it and tried to start over. The only problem was, I had nowhere to start.

My head felt heavy with my own expectations, and I couldn’t clear it. I kept seeing Telissa’s face swimming before me, confusing me and making me ever angrier. Tommy and Sarah needed her so much, but she was gone. They didn’t have a mother to care for them like they deserved. It wasn’t fair or right, and all I wanted to do was change it.

But I couldn’t.

Instead, I could only try to write this book and hope that it might help other kids somehow. The story was so important that I didn’t want to mess it up. Writing for children was proving to be much harder than I’d anticipated had to find a way to craft the story so they would understand, so they could make sense of their grief. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard.

I groaned and ran my hands over my face. My notebook was open in front of me, as well as my computer. I’d been switching between the two all evening, just trying to find a spark of inspiration. There was none. My writer’s block was so formidable that it scared away all inspiration and motivation. I ended up sitting alone in a dark study, staring at the ceiling and wishing for a visit from my muse.