“We weren’t hooking up,” I defend, chest puffing at the insinuation that that’s all it was.
Beck chuckles, holding up his hands. “I just mean that he walked in at a very precarious time,” he says. “I’m sure he wasn’t thinking straight. In that moment, there was no reasoning with him. But maybe now…”
“I’ve tried.”
“Try harder.”
I grit my teeth, spinning to face him. “What am I supposed to do, Beck? He won’t talk to me. Neither will she. David will probably kill me if he ever does see me again, and Amanda has made it clear that I don’t have to worry about what will happen the next time she sees me, because it’s never going to happen.”
My chest heaves with that last part, heart splitting in two with the realization. And when my shoulders sag, my gaze falling to my half-empty glass on the bar, Beck sighs, clapping his hand on my shoulder.
“Look, man. You know I’ve had my fair share of shit that no one could get me to see out of — no one until Carly, anyway.”
I nod, thinking of his PTSD and how much of a hold it’s had on him ever since I’ve known the guy.
“I’m not going to tell you it’ll be easy. I’m also not going to assure you that it will all work out,” he adds. “All I’m saying is that if she means this much to you, and obviously she does, then you might as well leave all your cards on the table. If you think you’ve already lost them both anyway…” He shrugs. “What more do you have to lose?”
I frown, digesting his words as he signals to Harry to bring our tab over. He pays for both of us with me sitting there like the mopey sonofabitch I am, and then he stands.
“From what you’ve told me, this guy is like a brother to you. My bet is that he’s hurting more than anything. Give him a little more time to cool down, and then try again.”
“And if the result is the same?”
Beck shrugs. “Then you dust yourself off and you move forward.”
“Without her,” I finish for him, saying the words I know he doesn’t want to.
“If you must, yes. That’s all we can do, man. We just keep living — pain and all.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know if I can live without her,” I confess. “Not now that I know what it’s like to have a life with her in it.”
Beck smirks, grabbing his coat and shrugging it on. “All the more reason to keep fighting, my friend.”
He leaves me with that, nodding to Dane and Larsen on his way out the door.
And I try not to cling too tightly to the fire of hope his words have lit inside me.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
AMANDA
You wanted him to go.
You asked him to leave.
You told him not to text you anymore.
You told him not to call.
You told him it was over.
You.
You decided this.
Words flutter around my head, my heart, like caged birds in a thunderstorm as I stir the gravy on the stove, the familiar smells of Thanksgiving dinner wafting up around me.
In the living room, Julia and Tucker lie on the plush rug, my grandson laughing so hard he’s got tears in his eyes from his new favorite game of watching Daddy play with a yo-yo. Up and down the toy goes, and Tucker giggles like crazy, clapping his hands together at the lights and the neon blur of color.
A football game plays on the television, David’s eyes occasionally drifting up to watch a play, but most of the focus is on Tucker.
I’m thankful, especially since if anyone asks me again if I’m okay, I’ll likely melt all the way down.
The past week has been nothing short of hell.
After Greg left — just like I asked him to — it was all I could do not to spend the entire day sobbing in bed. My chest caved in on my heart, on my lungs, making it impossible to feel anything but pain, to breathe anything but smoke from the catastrophe that had unfolded. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t watch television or read a book or do anything other than torture myself with anxiety and things I couldn’t control.
David wouldn’t return my calls all weekend.
I’d never known that kind of hurt, the kind that can only come from your child being furious at you, from them seeing you in a new light, one that’s traitorous and impossible to overlook. I couldn’t close my eyes without remembering the hatred and accusation in his when he’d yelled at me, couldn’t go more than two minutes without hearing his words loud and echoing in my mind.
I knew no matter how we resolved the issue, there would forever be a rift between us.