Deacon ached; he wanted that so bad.
Grady parked in front of the farm-style house. A few cars were already there, and Deacon wondered if the spouses and siblings would be there too. If they would pretend the last ten years hadn’t happened, and what that meant for Grady and a future with his family.
Cat was waiting for them on the porch. She was definitely Deacon’s favorite. Even if things didn’t work out with the rest of them, he had a feeling they would with Cat.
“It looks almost the same,” Grady said as they approached the house.
“There are some changes, but you know how Mama and Daddy are. They’re creatures of habit; get stuck in their ways a bit and can’t see themselves out of them, even if they want to.”
Deacon had a feeling they weren’t just talking about the property.
“That’s okay with some things…not so much with others,” Grady replied.
“It’s just us here. The kids and husbands are at Betsy’s. I figured we needed to talk.”
“Am I gonna get to see them afterward? Shit, Scout and Brigid are teenagers now. The twins will be there soon.”
Cat’s eyes darted down, her face flushed with guilt, making Deacon’s back go rigid.
“You’re not going to let me see the kids?” Grady asked.
“No. Goodness no. That’s not what I was feeling guilty for…just that it’s been so long since you’ve seen them,” Cat replied. Still, the tension didn’t leave Deacon’s body.
“Why do they think I’ve been gone?” Grady shifted his weight from one leg to the other, clearly nervous.
“They don’t, really. The army and then a family disagreement.”
“Jesus, Cat.” Grady ran a hand through his hair.
“I know. You think I don’t know, Grady? That I don’t hate myself for it every day? And I think… I don’t even know if I’m supposed to say or if I’m right and—”
“You should come inside,” Janice said through the screen door.
Deacon waited to follow Grady’s lead, and when he went for the door, Deacon followed.
The place had an older feel to it, lots of browns and yellows and like it hadn’t changed at all in at least as many years as Grady had been away. There were still photos of him on the walls—with his sisters, his parents, working the land, and from school. Deacon couldn’t help taking them all in, looking at how little he’d been, with a mess of hair and the gap in his front teeth, which he must have gotten fixed.
“You were cute.”
“I was a mess,” Grady replied.
“I have coffee, water, and sweet tea. What does everyone want to drink?” Janice asked, rubbing her hands down her apron. She must have come home and put it right on. It was clear she was nervous by the way she moved, the hitch in her voice, and the way she didn’t take her eyes off Grady. “Or if anyone is hungry, I can cook. Maybe we should eat first. Yes, let’s eat.”
“Mama,” Grady called out as she turned for the kitchen. “We need to talk.”
Deacon watched Grady, saw the plea in his eyes, before Betsy went over and put an arm around their mom, leading her to the living room.
The group of them sat down, Deacon as close to Grady as he could. Maybe he should offer to leave like Betsy’s and Cat’s husbands, but he wasn’t going to. He knew Grady would ask if that’s what he wanted, and again, Deacon wasn’t leaving him alone.
Janice spoke first. “I’m not sure I have an explanation for you, and that makes this even worse. I was raised to think and feel a certain way, and I believe those things, Grady—or I did. You were always a little different, liked to do your own thing, cause some trouble, and at first I thought this was the same thing—you trying to shake things up, to stand out, to be wild.”
“You thought my sexuality was the same as when I sneaked out and got drunk?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I just…thought it was wrong, and that it was a choice. Even the way you left for the army, Grady. You have to admit you’ve always tried to stand out from the rest of the family. Ever since you were about fifteen, everything changed with you. You didn’t spend time with your daddy like you used to. You were drinking and smoking and getting suspended. Then you come home one day and tell us you’re leaving, just like that, the same day. We didn’t even get a chance to tell you goodbye.”
Grady dropped his head, and Deacon put a hand on his thigh. “That’s because I knew, Mama. It’s when I really grasped I was gay. At first I thought something was wrong with me, that I deserved to be in trouble, so I got into it. I thought I could make it change, but I couldn’t, so I did everything I could to distract you and everyone else from the fact that I was gay. If I was doing all those things, maybe you wouldn’t see.”