Four Steps (Four)

“I started plenty on my own, without even trying,” I say with a frown.

“Your dad was hard on you, but he loved you,” Barrett says.

“He had a strange way of showing it,” I say. “If I have kids, I want to be a different kind of parent.”

“Do you want kids?” Lincoln asks.

I give him a small smile. “I don’t know. I think so, but I haven’t really given it much thought.”

“I hope you can forgive us for not staying in contact after we left, Caz,” Lennox says, getting the conversation back on track. “We were afraid of your dad’s reaction at first, and then after so much time passed, we were afraid of your reaction.”

“But you didn’t seem to have a problem facing my reaction when you came back. In fact, you seem to have gone out of your way to provoke me.”

There’s a beat of silence before Barrett says, “Once we saw you, we couldn’t stay away.”

“And when we heard you weren’t in a relationship,” Lennox says, “we had to see if there was something there.”

I frown at him. “What do you mean?”

It’s Barrett who explains. “None of our relationships with women have ever been serious. Something just always seemed off, or lacking.”

“Are you talking about when you’ve shared women?” I ask.

“We’ve never shared a woman before, Caz.”

He lets that sit with me for a moment, and I’m glad, because I need to process it. I guess I’d assumed sharing a woman was their thing. Why would they do it with me if they’d never done it before?

“A couple of years ago, we were talking with each other about why our relationships weren’t working out … and your name came up,” Barrett says.

“We found out we’d all been comparing women to you,” Bronson says.

“To me? But you knew me when I was a kid…”

“Yes, but even as a girl you were smart, funny, brave, beautiful — and you still are,” Bronson says.

The look Barrett’s giving me could make me blush. “More than ever, actually,” he says.

“I still don’t see where you’re going with all this,” I say.

“We’ve never found satisfying relationships with anyone else. And now that we’re back here with you, we realize that it’s because we’ve missed you and the bond we had with you,” Lennox says.

“What we’re trying to say is that we love you, Caz,” Bronson says.

“We always have, and we always will,” Barrett says.

Lincoln, mostly quiet but still very much engaged, adds, “And we want to be with you.”

“Be … with … me …” I sound like someone who’s just learning to talk. We’ve been together sexually, so do they mean more of that, or …

“We love you, and we don’t ever want to leave you again,” Barrett says.

“We want you to be ours,” Lennox says, “because we’re yours, and we always have been.”

21

Making up for lost time

Tears that I have no hope of containing start to fall. I swipe at my cheeks and blink rapidly, trying to keep myself together.

Lennox is at my side immediately. “I’m sorry we’ve overwhelmed you,” he says.

“But we wanted you to know how we feel,” his twin adds.

“Are you okay, Caz?” Lennox asks.

I hold my glass out to him. “Can I have more wine?”

Seeing that I’m smiling, he laughs as he takes it.

Lincoln moves to kneel in front of my chair, his older brothers standing behind him. “We’d like to know how you feel, but you probably need time to think,” Lincoln says.

I wait for Lennox to return with my refill, and when he does, I take a large drink. After swallowing, I say, “You’re right. I am overwhelmed, but mostly in a good way. Much as I tried to hate you all these years, I never really could.”

“We should have found a way to stay,” Bronson says, his tone bitter.

“No, I understand why you had to go, and I know you did what you thought was for the best. And I do love you — I always have — but we need to get to know each other as adults.”

They nod their agreement.

“You might find that I’m more messed up than you remember. Apparently, I don’t make friends, and I don’t let anyone get close to me.”

I want to explain that I’m afraid of getting hurt, and I’m afraid of them leaving, but I don’t want to make them feel guilty for what happened so long ago. I can tell they already feel bad about it, and I don’t want to rub salt in their wounds.

“We want to show you that we’re worthy of being let back into your heart, Caz,” Lennox says.

Bronson’s gaze is steady. “We don’t ever want to leave you again.”

“Selfishly, I’m glad you haven’t let another man get close, because we want to be the only ones you need,” Barrett says.

Need. I love them, and I want them, but can I let myself need them?