“Please, stop,” I blurt out before she can say the L word; I don’t think I’d be able to bear it and all my plans to hold off crying until the middle of the night would shatter. “I keep telling you that I don’t want to hear this. And I want you guys to stop. Please. I know you guys are doing it for me but please, just stop. I don’t care if something is going on between them or not. I actually want it to.”
As soon as I say it, my heart starts beating again.
I’m jarred back to life, to pain.
And I’m not sure how I’m able to form any words right now when every part of my body is writhing, but I do. “He loves her. He’s always loved her. And if he can have her, then he should. If she is what he wants, then they should be together.”
“But Wyn —” Poe protests.
“No, please,” I cut her off. “I just want him to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That’s it. And if she makes him happy, then so be it.”
That’s the other thing that’s keeping me going.
Apart from my little death.
The thought that he might finally have something that he’s always wanted. That he might have her. He already thinks all his dreams are dead. He’s already too angry about what life has thrown at him. So if he can have this one dream fulfilled, then how can I not want that for him?
Besides, Helen is finally doing the right thing. Even though we’ve never talked about these things after that one time and I get no indication from her about her personal life, I’m just glad that she finally knows what she wants to do.
And yes, sometimes I think that I should go talk to him.
Especially when I feel his eyes on me. And I do feel them. I do. But I guess it doesn’t really matter.
He’s made his choice.
And sometimes I also remember that I left so many things unfinished. So many things that I wanted to do for him that I never got a chance to bring to completion: that wall that I was painting in his bedroom; that movie I wanted to watch with him; that new Mexican dish I saw on YouTube that I wanted to make for him the following weekend after my dad’s birthday; the fact that I never got to convince him to consider that job in New York.
I never got to convince him that having new dreams is okay.
That dreams can change and evolve and that new joy can still be found among the broken pieces of the old ones.
When I think about those things, I do want to go talk to him.
I do want to tell him that I love him. Or rather, I love him too and that I’ll do anything to make him happy.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it?
This is what I have to do.
This.
Let him go to her. Let him be with her.
Because if he’s happy with her, then how can I take that away from him?
Salem starts crying then.
Silent tears fall down her cheeks and she rushes over from the bed to come hug me. “Oh, Wyn. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. God, I would never ever wish this pain on anyone, least of all you.” Squeezing me tightly, she says, “You don’t deserve this. You do not deserve this at all.”
While Poe mutters, “Well if this is his happy face, then I don’t want to even think about what he looks like when he’s angry.”
Despite everything, I chuckle as I hug Salem tightly.
She’s the girl who knows this pain well. She knows how it feels. She went through it for eight years before she and Arrow got together. But she survived it.
So I can survive it too.
Besides, it’s only a few more weeks.
Finals are almost upon us, and then we’ll all graduate and go to college. I’ll go to NYU. I’ll start a new life in New York and slowly, things will get easier.
I’ll start to feel better.
I won’t pray for death so much like I do now.
But a few days later, it becomes really inconvenient that the man I love is my best friend’s big brother, because my best friend decides to throw a little get-together.
Because we’re all graduating soon, from St. Mary’s School for Troubled Teenagers no less, the school that no one ever wants to go to. And we all got our acceptance letters — Callie got into Juilliard; I got into NYU; Salem got into this really great summer soccer camp over in California; and well, Poe will soon get to murder her guardian.
So technically everything is great.
And Callie wants to celebrate it at her new place she’s been living in for the past few months because of her pregnancy. And if she was any less of my friend, I would’ve refused.