It's Complicated: A Reservations Story

“Go on.” Of course, she never agreed with him when he tried to control their sessions. She lifted a hand, encouraging him to continue.

“For a while now, there’s a customer at the club who’s been giving me the interested vibe. He’s extremely nice to look at with a set of big brown eyes and full pouty lips.” Julian instantly felt exposed and didn’t like it one bit. He changed course, suddenly uncomfortable. “Actually, he’s a cowboy and fucking gorgeous in that big, rugged, outdoors kind of way. His tight dress pants outlined his package like they were tailored to do that very thing…”

“Julian,” she interrupted, not letting him change course with his outrageous sass. “We have ten minutes.”

“You’re such a buzzkill,” Julian retorted. Beckett’s nice-sized package had moved to the forefront of his mind. It took a second to readjust his thoughts before he could continue. “Anyway, I broke my rules—”

“Rules I’ve disagreed with, correct?”

“Omigod. Let me finish,” he said with as much attitude as he could muster. “I broke my rules. I’m not ready to engage with a sexual partner or consider dating and a relationship. Nothing’s changed there, but I got carried away on a superficial level by his aforementioned attributes, and I danced with him.”

Sarah tilted her head as if trying to read more into his story, so he rushed on.

“Three dances. I enjoyed myself a little too much. For a few minutes, I felt normal again.” Julian looked down at his trembling hands and curled them into fists.

He’d cherished those few minutes of letting his cares slide away on the dance floor and just enjoyed the feel of a strong, handsome man holding him close. When Sarah stayed quiet, her attention still fixed on him, Julian felt compelled to fill in the silence.

“Before you encourage me to open myself to his advances, he doesn’t know my past. And I know his type. He’s a good guy. Not the kind to entertain a relationship, let alone any kind of longevity, with a fucked-up former sex worker. He’d probably be willing to do me, but that’s it. So please don’t push me.”

She wrote several lines of notes, nodding her head as he spoke. “We’ve talked about this many times. It’s not fair of you to decide how others feel without asking them first.” She lifted her gaze, staring pointedly at Julian, pinning him in his seat. “What’s the breakthrough that’s happened from this man?”

She had a way of cutting through his bullshit and finding the exact thing he didn’t want to share. Sneaky.

Julian anxiously bounced his foot. He’d stalled long enough. “I think I’m beginning to feel emotion again. More than just the guilt and shame I’ve been living under since my accident. I’ve been thinking about this guy I mentioned. He’s slipped past my barriers. My staff calls him the Marlboro Man. He’s got the best eyes. They’re really, sincerely caring eyes.”

Julian paused, lifting a hand between them to stop her from butting in. Saying those words aloud had somehow given them a foundation. It wasn’t the flashback that played through his head, but instead, Beckett. All the little memories he hadn’t let himself consider came roaring to the forefront. The way Beckett quietly gave a single nod of his head spoke for so many of his answers. That tilt to his head showed appreciation, acceptance, greetings, and goodbyes. Warmth seeped over Julian as he leaned back into the comfortable seat, absorbing the emotional blow of his attraction to Beckett.

“But when I was outside with Woofer, I was thinking about his eyes when the sounds of a passing car grabbed my attention and I looked up. I don’t know what happened. Maybe by letting my guard down with Beckett other memories were able to surface. I glanced over at the car and something about it triggered a rolling slideshow in my head. I was at the club the night of my accident, having a good time. There were a lot of drinks that I didn’t remember before, but that wasn’t all that unusual. I never paid for my own drinks. I remembered feeling woozy. My vision grew hazy, and all the faces around me became distorted. My dumb ass never saw it as a red flag. I liked the feeling of being out of control.”

“Did you call your investigator?” she asked, showing no emotion as to what he revealed.

“That’s your response to what happened?” he asked incredulously.

Her face never cracked from its patient, tolerant expression. He was convinced that if he fell to the floor with a seizure, she’d look exactly the same as she did right now.

“It’s an important question, Julian. This is a first for you. Tell me what happened after you had these memories. You fell?”

Julian gave a harsh bark of a laugh. “I didn’t fucking fall. I passed out. My neighbor saw it happen. He ran across our shared walkway but couldn’t get to me fast enough. At least that’s what he told me happened.”