It's Complicated: A Reservations Story

Julian didn’t know how to feel. That wasn’t the reaction he’d expected. What was wrong with this guy? Julian swung his head around, and his body followed, looking at Beckett as if he were the craziest man on the planet.

What Julian saw reflected in those chocolate eyes and handsome face melted away any lingering ice that had frozen around his heart. He didn’t see the rejection he’d feared, but instead, the look reflected at him let him know Beckett genuinely cared. Beckett reached for him, his big palm caressing from his elbow to his bicep. The warm touch was meant to provide comfort, and it did, like a soothing balm easing over his soul.

“I’m not the man I was,” Julian confessed truthfully. “I’ve wished I could go back in time, be the up for anything, full of life guy that I used to be, but I can’t get there. I can’t trust my instincts.” He shook his head and lowered his gaze in regretful shame. “I haven’t been with a man since the assault. I fucking hate that I can’t get there. I loved sex. I loved everything about it. I miss it. I miss my life.”

“Are you talking to a counselor?” Beckett asked, drawing Julian’s gaze back to Beckett as the sweet man moved a step closer. “You need one. I can refer you to the guy I used when I was tired of fighting with myself over my sexuality.”

Julian smiled. His friends had truly kept his secrets. “That’s how I met Levi. He’s the one who found my counselor for me.”

Beckett’s grip tightened around Julian’s arm, drawing him in for an embrace. Julian allowed it, needing this man’s touch like he needed his next breath. Beckett’s big, muscular arms circled him, bringing him flush against Beckett’s expansive chest. The heady scent of all man mixed with that spicy cologne reminded him of a pine forest after a spring storm, muddling Julian’s senses, easing the tension.

It felt good to be touched so tenderly. Julian allowed the indulgence, resting his cheek on Beckett’s collarbone, nestling his nose in the crook of Beckett’s neck. Julian breathed in Beckett’s amazing scent and closed his eyes. Everything he’d been fighting against settled. Julian felt safe with Beckett, and the knowledge rushed over him like a comforting blanket.

Chapter 13

Lost to the abuse Julian had suffered and the clinging way Julian held on to him, Beckett could do little more than tighten his hold and rest his cheek on the top of Julian’s hair, committing everything about this moment to memory. Maybe not necessarily in the way he might have wanted, but nevertheless, the man of his dreams was in his arms, clutching onto the back of his shirt as if Julian’s life depended on being right there.

Julian had been badly abused, so badly, in fact, it had altered everything about his life. The rush of sympathy had Beckett tightening his hold, and Julian responded by doing the same.

“Why did you kiss me last night?” Beckett murmured, wondering why Julian had chosen him to break such a long drought of connection. He let his lips ghost over Julian’s dark silky strands.

“You make me feel.” Julian spoke softly while trying to pull away, but Beckett wouldn’t let him go. Not yet.

“Let me comfort you the only way I know how,” Beckett offered, wanting to take any pain away from the man in his arms. Julian relented and settled back against his chest.

“I’ve somehow blocked everything about that night. I only remembered waking up with Thane by my hospital bed. We had a good relationship, but he’d only really ever been a client. I didn’t have insurance, and he paid for my care. I never expected such devotion from him. No matter what a fucker he pretends to be, he’s a good guy.” Julian’s voice was low. Beckett had to concentrate to hear. “Sorry. I’m struggling to stay on point with everything in my life right now.” Julian’s fist tightened into Beckett’s shirt. “When you and I danced— You need to know, I haven’t danced with anyone like I did with you since before my…assault. You’ve drawn me out of myself. It started a chain reaction. I’ve had three flashbacks since the first night. The one you just walked in on was the most vivid.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?” he asked.

“No,” Julian said with finality, in direct contrast to the verbal tumble he’d been doing and seemed to want to continue to do. “I was blindfolded. I don’t remember much. It’s coming in bits and pieces. They haven’t caught the guys.”

“Have you spoken with your investigator?” Beckett asked, not entirely sure what drove him to ask, but maybe something Julian remembered might trigger something in the investigation. “You do have an investigator, right?”

“I did, but I haven’t talked to them in a year or more. Whoever did this was a pro—their words, not mine.” Julian released a shaky breath. “This wasn’t an isolated event. The LAPD had a serial abuser on record, targeting escorts for many years. Had I known, I might have been more careful, but back then, I thought of myself as invincible.”