It's Complicated: A Reservations Story

“I need to take this,” Beckett said, excusing himself from the table, walking toward the front door. He pushed the call button, forgoing a text message, and brought the phone to his ear. It took four rings for Julian to answer.

“Hey. That was fast.”

Beckett stepped outside, held the door for Woofer to slip past, and shut the door firmly behind him. A million stars twinkled in the sky. His favorite time of the day. Beckett paid no real attention to anything other than the man on the other end of the phone. He took the porch steps down, sitting on the top one. Woofer stayed at his feet, his focus showing how well the dog sensed Beckett’s unease.

“How are you?” Beckett said, worry taking its toll in his tone. “Is everything all right?”

“Yeah…” Which meant it wasn’t.

Woofer’s head came to Beckett’s lap, most likely hearing Julian’s tone.

“What’s happened?” Beckett asked when Julian didn’t say more. “If it can’t wait until the weekend, I can come…”

“No,” Julian said firmly. “I…”

Beckett could hear the struggle in Julian’s voice as he cleared his throat and started again.

“I should have called you last night. I’m sorry I didn’t. You need to see if you can cancel your flight this weekend.”

Beckett’s heart gave a solid dip.

“Okay. I thought we’d turned a corner after last weekend.” Beckett stopped himself from saying more. It was Julian’s seriousness more than the actual words that led him to believe Julian was actively putting distance between the two of them. He changed course, needing to know the problem before he could solve it. “What are you not saying?”

“Look. I’ve always been honest with you, even though I’ve let the lines between us blur. The truth is, I met an old client at the club, and he’s offered me my old position back.” The longer Julian spoke, delivering his devastating news, the harder his tone became. “It came out of nowhere. I didn’t see the offer coming, and long story short, I accepted a date with him this weekend.”

Beckett’s entire body went numb.

What had he done wrong?

House shopping?

He had scared Julian.

His body’s protective barriers broke like a dam, flooding his heart, mind, and soul with insurmountable pain. His stomach roiled at the thought of Julian moving on without him. His heart shattered into a million pieces as he tried to hold back the emotions overwhelming him. He’d known the score from day one. He was certain he could handle anything Julian threw his way, but he’d been so damn wrong.

“This hasn’t been easy for me. I feel like I’m letting you down, but I can’t deny this is something I’ve wanted since I woke up in the hospital bed…after the accident. I’m an escort at heart. It’s what comes naturally to me, and I’m damn good at it. I owe it to myself to test the waters.” Julian’s voice was flat and final.

Beckett’s mind raced, searching for something to say. He wanted to beg Julian to let him be his one. Beckett could buy Julian’s time. They could pretend whatever Julian wanted.

“Say something. You’re killing me.” Even under all the heaviness of his own pain, he didn’t like the worried concern pervading Julian’s words.

“I can’t say this wasn’t out there between us.” Beckett hoped to find common ground between them. “You know, I wish I was enough for you—”

“Beckett, please…” Julian interrupted.

“Let me finish, Julian.” Beckett had to clear his mind and bring forward his determined side to get through the lie he was about to tell. “Go do what you have to do. I told you I would never ask you to change. A lot has happened to you over the last couple of years. You’re an amazing, beautiful man. Go find yourself. I’ll be here waiting for you.”

“Goddamn it, Beckett,” Julian barked, his frustration clear. “What do you see in me that attracts you so much?”

Beckett stared down at the dog who tried to give him comfort. With as badly as his heart ached, he wished he could go back to the numbness. He reached out to run a hand over Woofer’s head, smoothing the soft fur as he spoke his truth. “You’re smart, fun, and caring. You have a drive to goodness that inspires me. You’re always looking out for the people around you, even as you pretend not to care at all. You appreciate the smallest gestures as if they were grand and give back to the world in a way few can understand.”

Julian let go of an anguished breath. “No one has ever accused me of such goodness before. It’s my looks, Beckett. Men like my looks. I know that’s who I am and what I have to offer. You’ve never seen me correctly.”

“No.” Beckett shook his head. “I see you better than you see yourself. You’re beautiful inside and out, and you’re also a good, gentle man. Your looks may have turned my head, but that faded pretty quickly after I watched you for so long then spent time with you. It’s what lay underneath that hooked me.”