When We Touch

“You’re a bastard, Jack Lockwood!”

“No, I’m not. I’m also not a sex offender.” I lift her purse off the back of her chair. “If you want to save your neck from a filing a false police report, what could be a felony charge, you’re coming with me now. You’re going to tell Ian the truth about Wagner and Bancroft and clear my name.”

“B-but…” She only hesitates a moment.

“Let’s go.”

Twenty-Four

Ember

“Fear and loathing…” Pastor Green’s voice is not a shout. It’s a thoughtful tone, an observation. “We live in troubled times where the minds of men are unsettled and God’s ways seem far from our ways.”

My eyes roam the small sanctuary. Tabby is two rows in front of me beside Chad Tucker. His arm is around her shoulder, and she looks content.

Coco sits beside me in the pew coloring in her children’s version of the program—Jesus and his disciples surrounded by the mermaids, goldfish, and sea horses she added.

“The story of the Good Samaritan tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, even when that neighbor is from a tribe or people group we abhor. Who can follow this command? The disciples asked this question…”

/> First thing Wednesday morning, the judge’s order had been rescinded. The woman who’d accused Jackson of sexual assault withdrew her claim.

Jackson had called to tell me from his condo. When I saw his face on the screen, I actually hesitated before answering,

Looking back, I hate that I hesitated…

I hate that my mother got in my head enough to make me hesitate.

“It was all a lie,” he’d said, his warm voice causing tears to fill my eyes. “The crazy part was I didn’t even know they were doing it. I’d gone home to try and get my head straight, then I found you, and it wasn’t until I decided I had to set the record straight that I found out. I’m glad I didn’t wait any longer.”

“How can they do that without you knowing?” I’d asked, sitting on the swing with my daughter in my lap. “It seems like you’d have to be notified or they’d serve you with papers…”

“They were building a case against me to protect themselves. In case I came back to expose their corrupt practice, which I did.” The growl in his voice made me want to hold him, to soothe away the anger with my kisses.

“What now?” I’d asked quietly, hoping he would say he’d be home that night.

He didn’t.

“I’m going to finish up here, get with a realtor to sell my condo, take care of one other thing, and I’ll be home Sunday. I want you and Coco to go back to the cottage today.”

And we did.

Since Wednesday, we’ve been living in our home, waiting for my man.

“Therefore we live with this dichotomy—we want to help others, but we’re afraid of them.” Pastor Green catches my attention with those words. “So many people are afraid of so many things all at once. It leads to a poverty of mind… But God said, ‘Perfect love casts out all fear.’”

My eyes move to my mother sitting rigid at the end of the pew. I wish her expression would open to the words he’s saying, but instead she’s closed, irritated.

I’m pretty sure it’s because Pastor Green has stopped following her “sermon notes.” There’s no way in hell my mother would write a sermon about perfect love casting out fear or loving your neighbor, even when it’s someone you’ve been taught to hate.

Sitting in this holy place, I look down at my daughter, then press my eyes closed and pray for strength.

Maybe one day I can do things I simply can’t do now. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive this broken woman for all the misery she inflicted through bitterness and fear. As it is, when I left her house on Wednesday, I vowed never to look back.

It would take a miracle to change how I feel.

Pastor Green says his final words. “And now, let us pray to learn his perfect love.”

I bow my head, but I feel a tug on my sleeve. Cracking my eyes open, I see little round brown ones looking right up at me.