“How old were you?”
“Seven.” I felt the rage tighten in his stomach. “He’d decide I was being too loud and grab his belt. Or I’d left my Legos out and he stepped on one. He’d grab the belt.”
Catching my bottom lip between my teeth, I did my best not to cry.
“He’d hit me pretty hard, but usually I could take it.” He paused, quiet again. “Until this one time... somebody gave me a puppy. I don’t know if it was a teacher or a friend... Anyway, it was a little beige, shaggy-haired dog. It had these big brown eyes and was happy and cuddly. It was this one bright thing, and I wanted to keep it so much. I don’t know what the fuck made me think I could do that. I guess I thought I could hide it from him.”
He paused, and I could feel this was hard for him by the way his breathing changed. His entire body was tense. The pause, the waiting was painful, but I wouldn’t rush him. I couldn’t.
“That damn dog peed all over the house. I was just a kid, but I did my best to follow it around and wipe up every mess as fast as it happened. My old man was out cold for the most part, but of course, he woke up and found some shit before I did. He tore off that belt and beat me with it. I was screaming and crying, and that damned puppy was jumping all around, whining and not understanding.”
My heart beat so hard. I didn’t want to hear the rest of this story. It hurt in my chest, and my stomach was tight.
“He snatched that dog up and beat it.” Slayde’s voice broke off a moment, but he kept going. “His belt was like a long, black whip... I’ll never forget the sound of that puppy crying. It was so loud, and my old man wouldn’t stop. It was like he was possessed. He beat that dog again and again until it didn’t make another sound.”
He stopped talking, and I turned my face into his skin, pressing close to his chest. My stomach hurt, and I couldn’t stop my tears. I clung to him, holding him and wishing I could go back and comfort the little boy he used to be.
“I cried over that dog for a week. Until that sick bastard got tired of hearing me cry and out came the fucking belt. He beat me until I never cried again.”
Sliding up his body, I placed my palms gently against his face. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Tears covered my cheeks, and I kissed him softly. “I want to give that asshole a dose of his own medicine.”
Slayde’s eyes were somber in the dim light of the lamp. “You asked me about the wings on my back. When I was about twelve, I made this net out of string. I draped it around tree limbs and shrubs—just to see what I’d catch. I got mostly moths and butterflies. Once I caught a bird in it. It was an accident, and I couldn’t get it loose. It kept struggling and struggling. It wouldn’t be still. It would peck at me, and the more it struggled the worse the net tangled. It was getting tighter, and I got so frustrated. I clamped my hands over that little bird and squeezed it... until it didn’t struggle anymore.”
The room was quiet several moments. He didn’t say more, so I carefully prompted. “I don’t understand. You—”
“I killed it.” His voice was flat. “That’s when I realized I was no better than my old man. I killed innocent things just like he did for no good reason. Because they wouldn’t do what I wanted.”
“No!” I jumped forward to cover his lips with my fingers. “That is completely different.”
“Is it?” He lifted my fingers. “When I was older, I got the wings on my back because I’d taken that life. It was the only way I knew to memorialize it. Then when I started boxing they called me Slayer, the death angel.”
I pressed my lips against his skin and wrapped my arms around him. “You’re not
that. You’re not cruel or violent. You saved my life when I was in danger, and you’ve only been kind and gentle with me. If you’re any sort of angel, it’s the guardian kind.”
“It was true for a while. I had a lot of demons to fight out. I would drink until I was numb, and I’d fight until I lost control—just like him—until they pulled me off my opponent. Before it went too far, before I...” He cleared his throat. “It was great in the ring, when other people could control me.”
It was hard to hear him saying these things, but I was beginning to understand why he pulled away. I thought about everything we’d done, about all the things Rook had said, about his kickass control.
“But you’re not like that anymore.”
His hand rubbed up and down my arm, smoothing my skin. “I’ve done my best to change. The question is whether that erases the past.”
Closing my eyes, I thought about his question. “I don’t think you can live in the past, dragging it forward with you all the time. I think what matters is what you do once you realize you’re wrong.”
Strong arms tightened around me, and I held him tightly in response. “I hope so,” was all he said.
Chapter 21: “I am fearless because I’ve been afraid.”
Slayde
Carefully, I’d lifted the veil, and she’d listened without fear. I’d told her the worst story from my childhood. I’d told her the worst part of myself when I was a boxer, and she’d covered it all with forgiveness and understanding. I still wasn’t sure I deserved it.
Today, she’d gone to visit her little boy in Wilmington. She’d spend the night, and I’d be alone until Sunday.
“I guess this is it,” I said, holding her as she stood on the side of her car. Her arms were around my neck, and her brow creased. “You’re leaving me for the only boy who’ll ever have your heart.”
A gorgeous smile broke across her face, and she leaned into my ear. “He’s my boy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have room for a man.”