One to Love (One to Hold 4)

Elaine chewed her lip, her green eyes sparkling in the fire. “You and I have never had that kind of relationship, I know. But if you ever want to talk to me... I mean, we are Lane’s two mommies.”

In that moment, I knew why Patrick loved her so much. “Thanks, but I don’t know if I deserve consolation. All the screw-ups in my life can be laid directly at my feet. They’re all because of my choices.”

She looked into her wine glass, and I could tell she was weighing her words. “From what Patrick said, this business with Slayde wasn’t something you chose.” Her eyes flickered to mine, and she quickly added, “Not that we were discussing you. I just... I knew something was wrong when you went a month without visiting Lane. You never do that.”

Hugging my little boy closer to my chest, I felt the tears rising in my throat. “I didn’t want him to see me cry. He’s too little to understand.”

She nodded, taking another sip. “Want to tell me about it?”

I exhaled a laugh. “The perfect mommy of my little boy? Not really.”

“I’m not so perfect.” She rested her head on her hand. “I’m a person just like you.”

The fire crackled, and I stared at it a moment. “Blake was the first guy I ever loved. He was exciting, and he didn’t give a shit about anybody. He had these sparkling green eyes and spiked black hair... he was covered in tattoos, and he was dangerous and sexy... I felt so alive when I was with him.”

“I think I can understand that.” She smiled, waiting.

“He was also a first-class asshole. He was a nineteen year-old former juvenile delinquent. He was the guy in the convenience store hassling the clerk. He was the idiot who’d be in your face if you tried to criticize him.” Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the chair. “If I met him now, I wouldn’t give him the time of day.”

The living room was quiet except for the hiss of the fire. Just then, Lane made a snarfle, and our eyes met. Then we both laughed. “Is my baby snoring?”

“Can’t you see him being just like Patrick?” Elaine’s voice was full of adoration.

I couldn’t stop the smile crossing my lips. “Watch out preschool girls.”

We both laughed more, and she picked up the gauntlet I’d thrown. “So Blake was a mouthy troublemaker. Slayde...?”

“Is a quiet killer.” My eyes squeezed shut. “Jesus! I don’t know what to do with this.”

She took a deep breath and a sip of wine. “When you came back pregnant, and Patrick and I split up, I was so miserable. But I thought he had to be with you. He got you pregnant, he had to make it right.”

“But Patrick never loved me. He loves you.”

“And if you had married him, how long would it have lasted?” Her tone wasn’t aggressive. It was thoughtful, building, and I was curious about her point.

“Until I stuck a fork in his head,” I said with a smile.

She smiled too. “I guess what I’m trying to say is sometimes the ‘right’ thing isn’t what we’ve been taught is what’s supposed to happen. Life isn’t neat or clean enough for that. We have to be willing to try a different way sometimes, take a risk to get to happiness.”

I thought about what she was saying. “I feel like my life is one big test.”

“And what if it is?” She sat up in her chair. “I give tests all the time. They’re not judgments. They’re an opportunity to show what you’ve learned.”

Her eyes were round and full of heart, and a pain twisted in my chest. “I guess I’ve learned I’ll never stop making mistakes.”

“Does it have to be a mistake? I mean, look at us right now.”

My eyes went from her to my happy little boy sleeping in my lap, and I thought about the twisted path we’d followed to get here. “You’re really smart.”

“I’m a teacher.”

“A middle school teacher. The worst years.”

“That means you should listen to me even more.”

She grinned, but I couldn’t talk about it anymore. I hugged Lane and stared into the fire thinking about tests and twists and finding a path to happiness through a life filled with wrong choices.

* * *