Under the Stars

My heart aches at the way he looks at me. He’ll never know how much I wanted to stay with him that ice-cold morning on the train.

The wind hits me hard in the face, and I reach up to keep my hat from blowing away, unintentionally releasing the large shirt covering the knit tank stretched over my growing stomach. His eyes dart down and widen. They fly back to mine, and everything changes.

“When were you going to tell me?” His voice is sharp, somewhere on the edge of anger and need.

“I-I don’t know.” I’m ashamed but elated. I want him here, but I know it can never be possible. “I didn’t know how I could tell you… How we could make it work.”

In a sweep, he steps forward, gripping my arms and giving me a light shake. “Dammit—you don’t get to decide things like that on your own. You don’t get to tell me what can and can’t work when it comes to this.”

It’s too much. My chin drops, and the tears flood my eyes.

I’m standing on my favorite beach, in the place where we ran to for safety years ago. We’re here because it’s still safe, and we’re hiding, hoping to start a new life…

I am starting a new life.

A new life is starting inside of me.

“How did you find me?” I look up at his ocean blue eyes.

They’re grey like the waves during a storm, and I know his storm is the same one battering my insides. It’s elation at seeing each other again. It’s devastation at knowing anything between us is impossible.

“I’ve done nothing but search for you since the day you left.” He takes a few steps toward the berm the turns and strides back to me. “I searched all over the U.S. and Canada, Alaska… then I remembered what you said about France.”

“It’s a big country.”

“It took me six months to find you.”

“What happens now?”

Looking down, he clears his throat before blinking up to me again. “Didn’t it mean anything to you?”

The tears are back, sneaky bastards, and I have to cough to keep them away. He has no idea how much all of it meant to me.

“You weren’t supposed to be on that train.” I touch the corners of my eyes.

The waves hiss and sizzle behind us. He steps closer, gripping my upper arms in tight fists. “I was on that train.”

“Yes...” My next words hurt like the devil. “And did it not occur to you that my job was to keep the attractive detective occupied while she did what she needed to do?”

Blue eyes flash as if I struck him. He processes that statement only as long as it takes for his eyes to return to my pregnant stomach. “You didn’t use protection.”

“Neither did you.”

His jaw is tight. “I don’t want protection. I’ve only ever wanted you, to keep you safe from the demons.”

“They weren’t my demons on that trip.”

Two more breaths. He looks out at the waves, and I watch as he’s thinking, as his face melt from rage to reality. His gaze returns to me, and he seems to have reached a conclusion.

“No.” He grabs me by the waist and pulls me to him, pausing only to angle my body to allow for my small baby bump. “You’re not pushing me away again. I won’t let you.”

I’m surrounded by his strong arms, and in spite of it all, a surge of joy floods my veins. I love you I love you I love you… Every cell in my body sings his name, sings the joy burning in my chest.

It’s all fucked up and wrong, but for six months, all I’ve dreamed of is being right here, never leaving again. My hand slides up, and my fingers clutch his shirt. I hold him in a way I have no right to do.

“You’re a cop,” I say quietly. “You can’t let us get away with murder.”

He straightens, catching my chin and lifting it. “Did you commit the crime?”