Here With Me

“Do you love her?”

I hesitate. I couldn’t say it to her before I left. Now she’s a million miles away. “Yes.”

“Then you’d better man up. You’ll lose her if you don’t get your shit together.”

“I probably already have.” Breathing through the pain, I take another drink. “That’s why I’m here, to see if I can beat this.”

“Of course, you can. You’re strong, and I’m right here with you. Like always.”

Our eyes meet, and as much as we might butt heads, I’ve always appreciated him having my back.

“Now that we’re on the same page…” He nods, and tilts his glass side to side. “Are you looking for work while you’re in town? Or are you just doing therapy?”

My brow furrows, and I think about this. “It’s possible I could be here a while. What did you have in mind?”

“Actually… I need someone right now. It’s perfect for contract work if you’re interested. The pay’s good.”

“You’ve already put me up in a penthouse.” The apartment’s so damn nice, I’m a little afraid to touch anything. “I’ll work for rent.”

“I’m paying you. I need the tax write off.” He stands, fishing in his pocket and tosses several bills on the table.

Shaking my head, I decide I’m not in the mood to fight. “What’s the work?”

“Inspecting rental properties before and after the lessees take possession. Make sure everything’s clean, nothing’s damaged or left behind, check for safety issues… Sound okay?”

It actually sounds kind of perfect. “When do I start?”

“Come to the office tomorrow and we’ll get you set up.”

He clasps my shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here, brother.”

Patton’s friendship is a constant, and it helps me feel a little less like I’m pushing a bolder up a hill.

Time passes slowly. Every week, I meet with Dr. Curtis to talk, which is hard for me, but she gets it. She doesn’t push, but I push. Mindy is my motivation. When I force myself to be different, to tell this doctor my feelings and answer every question she asks, it’s Mindy’s face I see. I see her crystal tears, and they ache in my chest.

I’m doing this for her.

Days I’m not meeting with the doc, I inspect Patton’s properties. It’s pretty mundane work, going to empty buildings, walking around, taking pictures. He and I meet up as much as we can, but Patton has his own family now. I’m alone most evenings.

I check in with Noel, I watch the fishing channel, and I think of Mindy.

Mindy…

I never said much, but just being with her made me happy. She’d put her hand in mine and tell me about her day. She’d laugh and push her pretty hair behind her ear, and I’d listen to the sound of her voice, the highs and the lows, the music of her soothed me.

Now it’s silence.

“Tell me the first thoughts that come to your mind.” Dr. Curtis is in a chair, and I’m sitting on the couch.

We’re experimenting with a treatment called brainspotting. In our first session, she held a pointer in different locations in the air. I followed it with my eyes and told her the place where I felt the most anxiety.

Now I’m focused on the pointer in that spot, and I’m supposed to say whatever comes into my mind. She says it promotes deep healing in the

brain. I’m skeptical, but like always, I’ll try anything if it helps me get home.

I’m wearing headphones playing instrumental music over the sounds of the sea, waves crashing. The music reminds me of the parts in movies where the hero comes home from battle and the sunrise is golden and everyone is smiling.

I stare at the pointer in the air and start to speak. “I didn’t come home a hero. We were sent home after everything went wrong.”