I look over at the tray and pull it closer to me. A scoop of mashed potatoes sits beside a short stack of orange carrots. A few broccoli spears are curled beside it, and a container of soup is in another corner, covered with a strip of plastic. At the opposite corner is a cup of juice.
Taking the fork, I scoop a small bite of the white potatoes and put it in my mouth. It’s soft and buttery, and it makes my stomach growl harder. I take another bite, and Amy walks quickly to my bedside.
“Do you want to go back to the ranch?” Her face is lined with concern. “The doctor said once you were eating we could take you home. I thought you’d be more comfortable there.”
I look from her to her mother, and Sylvia nods. “The doctor says you’re well on the road to recovery. He doesn’t see why you can’t go back to the ranch.”
“I would like to leave this place,” I say. I don’t add that I don’t only mean the sterile hospital room. I want to leave Montana.
Stuart is still missing, but now I’m not even sure I want to see him. I’m wounded and sad. My heart feels battered and empty. I want to protect it, as if like my body, it’s too injured to risk letting anyone near it right now.
I want to go back to Bayville. I want to go all the way back to the beginning, before this nightmare started. I want to see Kenny and go to Ocean Community College. I want to finish my master’s in fine art and be a teacher like I’d planned so long ago. I want to escape this place of misery and pain, where my heart is being torn apart, where the one person I long to hold me vanishes when I need him most.
“That settles it,” Amy nods. “We’ll get the paperwork started and have you released. Finish up, and I’ll help you get dressed.”
I’m in the backseat of Sylvia’s steel-gray Cadillac wrapped in a red Indian blanket over jeans and a beige tunic Amy brought for me to wear. She turns to face me from the front. Her sleek blonde hair is swept to the side in a low ponytail, and she’s dressed in a tailored shirt and slacks, looking very out of place here.
“I’m so sorry this happened.” Her green eyes are round and glistening. “I wish there was some way I could turn back time. I wish it had been me instead of you.”
“It’s not your fault.”
Silence fills the car, and her eyes drop to the console. “I hate to bring this up… but we have to decide what you want to do. If you’d like to have a memorial service? For… the baby?”
Another spear of pain slices my injured heart, and I clutch the blanket tighter around my shoulders. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.
“I’m so sorry,” she repeats, but this time, her voice wavers as well. “We just… we have to let the hospital know something. I didn’t want to make any decisions without you.”
“I understand.” I clear the thickness from my throat. “I would like to do something.”
She nods. “I’ll take care of everything. You rest.”
Leaning my head against the window, I look out at the falling rain. The prairie grasses are dark and gloomy. My little girl took the gold with her when she danced up to heaven.
“Renee,” I say.
“What?” Amy turns to me again.
“Jessica Renee.” We’re quiet, and I finish. “It’s what I would have named her.”
* * *
Stuart
The empty bottle of Macallan lies on the counter near the small sink. Another empty bottle of Ketel One is at my feet, but nothing kills the pain of what I’ve done. Reaching up, I scrub my fingers over my eyes trying to clear the haze.
It’s dark. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here, but I can still see her in the soft yellow light of our bedroom. She was sad, and I’d held her in my arms. I’d told her nothing would happen to her on my watch then the next morning I left her alone.
My shoulders drop and my face is in my hands. I fight against the heat filling my eyes. The image of her unconscious and lying in that hospital bed sears through my memory like a brand, but stronger than that is the pain of knowing I put her there.
She should be in Bayville right now. She’d wanted to go to summer school with Kenny and finish her degree. I made her transfer to Princeton so she’d be closer to me. I told her to skip summer school, and I’d fucking brought her to this place.
She was afraid, and I promised to keep her safe. Then I left her to go and establish myself as the future owner of this ranch, this place where she’s only been hurt. I never asked her what she wanted. I’ve been a selfish bastard from the beginning.
Just like my father…
Unable to stop myself, I haul my ass off the floor and push through the door. I jerk open the door of the rented truck and drive all the way to the hospital. It’s the middle of the night. Visiting hours are over, but I walk past the vacant nurse’s station all the way to her room. The lights are dim, the monitors beep, and the air conditioner hums.
I stand silently in the doorway and allow my eyes to travel over the beautiful girl lying unconscious in the bed. Tubes still run from the machines to her body. Her eyes are closed, and I linger at a distance aching for her. My arms want to hold her. I want to crawl into bed with her, pull her broken body to my chest, and tell her I’ll never let it happen again, tell her I’ll do anything to take her pain away.