“It doesn’t sound like there was any mimicking. It sounds like I had it. Or have it.”
The journal is between us on the bed. Her red lips press together, and she pushes both sides of her hair back at once, the classic Kenny sign of frustration. “Well, you don’t have it now!”
“Don’t I?”
“NO!” Blue fire is in her eyes, and she stares at me with such determination, I almost believe her.
Instead, I shake my head. I remember my dreams. “I have to find this Doctor Endicott and get the whole story. I don’t want a ticking time bomb in my head. I don’t want to go along thinking I’m fine when I’m not.” Inhaling a shaky breath, I speak the horrible truth that drifted through my mind as I sat on the floor with my butchered hair… “It’s probably best I lost the baby. If I’d had post-partum I might have done something. I might have… Oh, god—”
“STOP!” She’s on her knees now, holding my hands. “You would not have done anything! You would have been the best mother.” Pulling me to her chest, we hug each other as my fear returns. “You’ve had a traumatic experience, and you’re grieving. This journal is scary, but it is not you. We’re starting grad school in a few weeks, and we’re going to do what we always said we would. We’re going to get our degrees, and we’re going to get teaching jobs at the same school.”
“Maybe,” I say softly. I can go back to school, and I can continue working. I can get my degree and my teaching certificate, but I can’t go back to how I was without answers. I can’t risk having a family. That part hurts me the most.
Her phone buzzes with a text, and she picks it up. “Slayde,” she says, touching the screen. “Do you want me to spend the night? We both have to work tomorrow.”
Shaking my head. “I’ve managed to hold it together this far. I’ll be okay. I don’t want Slayde mad at me.”
Her blue eyes narrow, and she stands. “No more haircuts. Call me first.”
“Okay,” I say, watching her pull on a black hoodie. “I’ll eat something, read a book, and go to bed. No haircuts.”
She nods and steps forward to hug me. “I’ll ask Slayde to track down this Doctor Endicott. If the guy was in Bayville, it shouldn’t be too hard to find him.”
“Just don’t… please don’t tell him what it’s about.”
Her blue eyes fill with emotion. “Oh, Mare.” Our hands are clasped, and she gives mine a squeeze. “You forget. I knew your grandmother. I know how much she loved you. She was certain you had a gift.” Releasing my hands, I follow her to the door as she continues. “And why not? You were right about Slayde. You were right about Stuart. You’re sensitive to people’s needs. Is that too much to believe?”
Stuart… Speaking from my heart, I say the thoughts that have been swirling in my head since I returned from Montana. “I’m not sure what I believe.”
19
Strength
Stuart
Nikki is behind the front desk when I arrive at the Princeton office Monday morning. Her eyes go wide, and she lets out a little shriek, hopping out of her chair and circling the reception desk. She stops in front of it, in front of me, wringing her hands as if she wants to give me a hug but is unsure whether it’s allowed.
“I didn’t think you’d be back!” Her voice is breathless, and I notice her usual too-tight wrap dress has been replaced with tight pants and a long sweater.
“Derek and I are discussing how long I’ll stay,” I say, noncommittal. “I didn’t realize you were still here.”
Nikki and I had a one-night stand years ago. It was a stupid mistake on my part at a time when I thought I was returning to Saudi for a very long time, possibly forever. Needless to say, it put a strain on our office relationship and caused some friction between her and me and Mariska. Supposedly it’s all behind us now.
“I’m here working with Slayde. He’s running the satellite office here.”
“Right,” I say with a nod.
Slayde Bennett is a young guy Derek hired to help with research and surveillance. He’s a good worker, from what I understand. Thorough. He’s also the boyfriend of Mariska’s best friend Kenny.
“Is Slayde here?” I look around the office, but Nikki shakes her platinum-blonde head.
“He’s out today, had a meeting with some doctor in Bayville.” My brow lines at the mention of that familiar location, but she quickly adds. “I don’t think it’s anything serious.” Motioning toward the back office, she leads the way. “Your things are still in Derek’s old office.”
“I’m not planning to stay long.” I follow her, looking away from her ass. I only want one ass… “I just stopped in to make a phone call then I’m headed to the condo.”
“I’ll leave you alone then.” She stops at the door and smiles. “It’s great to have you back.”
I only nod in response, and she closes the sleek wooden door. The entire office is dark wood, glass, and stainless steel accents. It’s all very masculine and professional. Going behind the enormous desk, I experience all the same sensations as the last time I stood here in an expensive suit looking out the window of this office. My shoulders are tense, and my thoughts fly to a place far from here.