Shaking my head, I walk straight to the water. It’s breaking in small waves tonight, sending little ripples of briny sand between my toes.
“So you’re here with Pete?” I can’t tell if that’s jealousy in his voice, but I decide not to notice.
“He’s easy.” My voice is quiet. “Safe.”
“Since when do you like safe and easy?” The taunting in his voice makes me want to cry. I can’t do this with him. Not after everything.
“What do you want, Stuart?”
“The same thing I’ve always wanted. You.”
Another wave of emotion crashes in my chest. “No.” Shaking my head, I turn to the side. “I can’t hear that from you. You left me when I needed you. I reached for you, and you weren’t there.”
Stepping forward, he catches my hand, pulling me to his chest. “You were so hurt. I felt like seeing me hurt you more.”
I push him away. “You blamed me. You went away because you were angry with me for what happened. Be honest. You went away to hurt me.”
His chin drops, and I watch the line of his jaw move. “I was angry.”
“I knew it!” I shout, turning to walk away, but he grabs my arm, stopping me.
“But not at you.” The pain in his eyes expands, and I see my torment reflected there. “I was angry with myself. I didn’t protect you when you needed me, and I couldn’t forgive myself for letting you be hurt. I love you, Mariska. You’re my gypsy. You’re my wife.”
I shake my head, pulling away. “I’m not your wife. I’m not your anything. I never was.”
He looks down, and I watch as he runs a hand over his stomach. “To me you’re everything.”
“No.” Shaking my head, I cover my ears with my hands. “I only wanted a family. I wanted one so badly, I was ready to believe anything to make it real. I was young and stupid.”
“No you weren’t. You’re mine.” His strong arms surround me, pulling me to his body. “We can’t go from what we had to this. It’s not possible. You came in and changed my life. You changed everything. Every day you’re in my mind. I can’t shake you no matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I punish myself.”
“Stop…” My insides ache. Every word he says is a firebrand to my chest. “You don’t know what I know. When those things happened, you thought I had a gift. You thought I had special knowledge, but I don’t. I’m not special. I’m sick, and I’m meeting with a doctor tomorrow to find out how much.”
Stuart’s face darkens, and his brow lowers. “What do you mean you’re sick? What’s wrong?”
I’m so ashamed of the truth. I don’t know how to say it to him. Still, I have to tell him everything so he’ll see what I know—that I’m wrong for him, and he has to let me go.
“When I was a child, I had a virus. It affected my brain…” My voice trails off, but Stuart holds me in that intense gaze.
“And?” he orders, and I hear an edge in his tone. “What does that mean?”
“I was diagnosed schizophrenic.” My chin drops as my insides collapse. “My grandmother took me away from the hospital and kept me at home with her. She said I had a gift, and she changed the diagnosis into some kind of spiritual thing.”
“You think that’s why you have your dreams?”
“I know that’s why I have them. What I don’t know is how much of it is real, and how much of it is a delusion, a break in my mind.”
My cheeks are coated with tears, and I want to go. He won’t let me. He holds me tighter against his chest, cupping his hands on each side of my face, and wiping my tears away with his thumbs.
“I don’t care.” His voice is thick. “If you’re sick, we’ll get you a doctor. They have medicines—”
“If I’m sick, it changes everything.” Pushing back, I put space between us. “I’ll never be able to have a family. I won’t take that kind of risk.”
“You’re still the woman of my dreams.” He reaches for my hand, but I move it away. “I believe in us, Mariska. I believe in you. You saved me from a life that was killing me. Come home with me. I’ll take care of you.”
Shuddering a breath, I turn my face. “Please leave me alone, Stuart.” My insides hurt so badly. I’m so close to giving in to him, but I can’t. I have to find answers. “I need you to leave me alone.”
“Okay.” His arms drop, and he steps back. “I’ll leave you alone.” I exhale a breath, my eyes heating as gratitude mixes with the emptiness in my chest. “But I won’t leave without you. When I go, I take you with me.”