My heart leaps with the inference that he still wants me to live with him, to call this magnificent apartment, that is only truly magnificent because he lives here, home. “I’m not going to say no, Dash. I was scared. I am scared. You scare me, and that has nothing to do with anything I saw last night. I have a past, too. I have my own inner struggles. I’m afraid of how badly it’s going to hurt to leave in January, after months of waking up next to you, but I don’t want to miss that time with you, either. But I don’t want you to tell me I’m not alone. I don’t want to pretend. We have an expiration date. We have—”
His expression softens, his hands framing my waist again. “Why the hell do we have an expiration date, Allie?” His tone is low, roughened up with emotion.
“My job,” I say. “New York. I live in New York.”
“Don’t overthink this. Don’t overthink us.”
“I’m not sure how to do that. Not with you.” My fingers curl on his chest. “What are we doing Dash? You’re not a long-term guy. You said that. You made sure I knew. And I was just fine with that. I was. I really, really was.”
“And now?” he challenges softly.
“And now, you already know the answer. I didn’t want to live with you because leaving would hurt even more. I’m attached. I’m too attached. You can hurt me, Dash, in a way I didn’t even know I could be hurt. I didn’t expect that. I’m not prepared for that.”
His hand slides to my lower back and he molds me closer. “That’s not how this ends, baby. And you’re not leaving me. You’re going upstairs to take a hot shower with me.” He kisses my hand, his eyes meeting mine. “And who knows what will happen when we get there.” His lips curve, mischief lighting his eyes, and then to my shock, he scoops me up and starts walking.
I laugh, “What are you doing, Dash?”
“What Ghost would do. What he wants to do.”
I laugh all over again. “What Ghost would do? The assassin? Oh God. Are you going to kill me?”
We’re already in the bathroom and he sets me down in front of him and cups my face. “It’s you who is going to be the death of me, Allie. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” He doesn’t give me time to argue. His mouth comes down on mine in a searing kiss and allows me to do just what I want to do. Forget all the bad. And focus on the here and now, with Dash. That’s the good.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Dash’s mouth is still on my mouth when he reaches for the hem of my sweater.
I catch his hand just before my breasts are exposed, and I’m pretty sure that’s when we hit the point of no return. “Wait,” I say, despite the fact that allowing him to drag me in the shower and fuck me senseless, has its good side, it also has a bad side. We’re avoiding an uneasy conversation and the water can’t wash away the dirty of last night, anymore than it can erase the unspoken words that once spoken cannot be taken back. And that’s what we’re both afraid of: the words that can’t be taken back. And yet they have to be said. Silence might be gentler, but in this case, it’s not better. It all hangs between us, swinging like a blade on a string ready to cut us.
“We need to get the elephant out of the room, Dash. You are stealing yourself from my questions, avoiding them, and me, right now.”
“I can assure you, Allie, getting you naked and pulling you into the shower with me, is not me avoiding you.”
“It’s your way of avoiding the questions from me you expect but that I’m not going to ask.”
“Why wouldn’t you ask, Allie?”
“I’m worried about you, Dash,” I say, his swollen eye driving home that point. “I could barely stand to see you get hit last night but, I won’t demand answers you aren’t ready, and may never be ready to give me.”
His expression flickers with some unreadable, dark emotion, and once again, his hands fall away from me and I can feel his withdrawal that reaches well beyond the physical. I want to grab his hands and put them back on my body, but something in me knows not to push him, not to move, not to speak.
He scrubs a hand through his hair and turns away from me, facing the stone wall encasing the shower just behind it, chin lowering to his chest, one hand on the wall.
I hug myself, not sure what to do, seconds ticking by with the slow groan of a full hour. Just when I think I might have to say something, anything, he rotates to face me.