But am I supposed to care since I basically broke things off with her?
I don’t know. I know I can’t stop caring about her.
I know I’m so fucking fucked.
“That’s fine,” Dad says, making me jump. I forgot he was here. “Don’t talk then. Just listen.”
I look at him with the blankest stare I can muster. “I’m not in a listening mood, Father.”
His foot hits the floor. He leans forward and pierces me with a gaze I haven’t seen in a while.
The old man still has it.
“If you’re feeling froggy today, go visit another one of your offspring,” I say. “Boone always has time to waste on his hands.”
“Okay. We can do this the hard way.”
I sigh.
“I know what happened with Dara.”
“Do you now?”
He nods. “I know she had an accident and that you broke things off with her.”
“Let’s just drive that pain home.”
“I also know that your brothers canceled a massive project with Bowery Hotels because of it.”
If he wants to fight, he picked a damn good day.
My jaw clenches.
“And I told them good fucking job,” he says.
The tension in my face eases.
“Curt Bowery is a sonofabitch and always has been. If he can treat his granddaughter this way, we should want no part of it,” he says.
Okay. Didn’t see that coming.
“Glad you agree,” I say.
“But that’s really the least of my concerns right now. I know Holt and Ollie are going to do the right thing.”
Fair enough.
“What I’m worried about is you, Wade.”
“I’m fine.”
“But are you, though?”
I roll my eyes and turn my back to him.
Me: I’m miserable.
Before I can send it to Dara, I delete it.
I stare at her name and feel my heart bleed. How can it possibly feel like I’ve lost a part of my soul?
I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t even escape with work. All I can do is pace around like a deranged chicken and worry myself to death about Dara.
It wasn’t this bad with Morgan. It was a whole different kind of hurt and confusion. Now, losing Dara, I can barely breathe sometimes, and there’s no end in sight.
It’s not getting easier. I’m not making new memories to pile on top of the ones with her, thereby making it more survivable.
She’s still there. On top. Waiting to remind me of what we had.
“What’s your justification?” he asks. “How do you think this is okay?”
“Simple. There is no justification. Just facts.”
“Humor me.”
I sit on the chaise and sigh. “You know about Morgan. I’m two for two. I’ve loved two women, and I’ve let them both get hurt.”
“I’ve loved one, and I hurt her.”
“Because …” I shake my head and stop myself. “I’m not going there. Not today.”
Dad gets to his feet. “If you’re going to pull the you’re trying to protect her card, that’s fine. I get it. I respect it.” He narrows his eyes. “But only if you also pull the other one.”
“Which is …?”
“You have to see that you’re protecting yourself too.”
I stand too in order to equal the playing field. “This isn’t about me.”
“The hell it isn’t.”
“What do you want me to do, Dad? Take her by the hand and watch her get pummeled by life and know that I didn’t do something to stop it?”
“I’m sure she would appreciate someone holding her hand because life is going to pummel her anyway, Wade.”
We stare at each other, our voices rising.
“You’re scared,” he says. “You’re terrified out of your mind. I’m not judging you. But I want you to see that you’re knee-jerking your reaction to the love of your fucking life out of fear.”
I sigh. I can’t argue that.
“Look,” he says, exhaling. “I’ve told you this before. You’re a lot like your old man. We excel at everything we do. We’re smart. Headstrong. We can see what needs to be done, and we do it.” He leans closer. “But when things don’t go our way, we run. We don’t know how to handle asking for help when we need it because we never fucking need it.”
He pauses, letting that soak in.
My chest rises and falls rapidly. My mind spins. Why the hell is he doing this now?
“You think we’re different because I turned to alcohol, and you turned to this life of loneliness. It’s the same thing, Wade. Mine just killed my liver, and yours is killing your soul. We both nearly lost our families because of it.”
Our families.
That’s the problem. That’s it in a nutshell.
Dara was my family.
I didn’t realize it until now. I didn’t realize that when I felt like she had worked her way into my psyche, she had really made her way into my family. Our family. That somehow, she had decided I was good enough to build a future with.
She picked me. And I chose her.
I gave Dara a reason to believe she could count on me, and I’d be there for her. But then I wasn’t.