When everyone went to bed, I left the house. I walked for hours with no real direction. I found a bottle of whiskey that I snatched from a store. I drank it all.
I had no one.
Not even Ms. Kelp.
She was going back to her real family. I made the mistake of thinking that was me, but I wasn’t her family. I was just a temporary thing in her life.
Everything was temporary.
Everything ended.
Everything—
“Hey! Hey! What are you doing?” a voice called out toward me.
I found myself on top of a building where I took my last photographs. You could see all of the Eastern lights from up there. You could see how everyone was out in the world living their lives. Probably with families. Probably with dreams coming true. Probably with happiness. It wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair, and I didn’t want to be a part of it anymore.
“Get down, buddy,” the voice said again.
I stood on the edge of the building. I had to be at least thirty floors up. The cold wind blew against my face, but I felt numb.
I glanced back at the guy, and he looked at me with eyes wide and packed with fear.
Why would a stranger look so scared for me? I didn’t matter. Someone should’ve told him that. Someone should’ve informed him that I didn’t matter. His concern was being wasted on someone who didn’t deserve it.
“Go away,” I muttered, swaying back and forth.
“I can’t! Come on, get down,” he said. “I’m worried about you.”
“Don’t bother. Not worth it,” I shot back.
My head was blurry, and I felt drunk. And sad. And sadly drunk.
“It is worth it. You’re worth it.”
“Fuck off,” I mumbled.
“I will. Once you get down. Look at me, man. Just for a second,” he begged. Even though I wanted to let go. I wanted to dive off the edge and never remember any of the things that had hurt me before. I turned to him. He placed his hands against his chest. “I get it. The world is fucked up. I’m only twenty-five years old, and I have no fucking clue what I’m doing with my life. I moved here from the south to try to find myself, and I realize it’s harder than it seems. How old are you, man?”
“Doesn’t matter to anyone.”
“It matters to me.”
I released a weighted chuckle. Then I met his stare again. It was almost as if he really met it. “Sixteen,” I muttered.
“Sixteen. Still a kid.”
“Fuck you, I’ve been through more shit than you could imagine!” I shouted, feeling anger, which was better than feeling numb, maybe. Who knew? I didn’t. Fuck, I didn’t want to do this anymore. I didn’t want to meet people just to lose them again.
“I’m sure that’s true. I have no doubt that you’ve been through it, but it can get better, man. Just a few weeks ago, I met someone during a time when I thought my life was going one way. We spent one night together that changed my outlook on everything. And yeah, it sounds corny as shit, but she changed my life. And now, here I am, on this rooftop, being given an opportunity to pay it forward, but I can’t do that if you don’t get down. So please, dude. Get down.”
Tears streamed down my face as I shook my head. “Everyone leaves. No one would even know if I died today.”
He moved closer to me. “I would. I would know. And it would break my fucking heart, so come on, man.” He held his hand out toward me. “Get down, and I’ll give you my word that I’ll help you figure your shit out. I’ll give you my word that I’ll stay.”
I snickered, unconvinced. “What the hell does your word even mean?”
“Everything,” he said, certain. “It means everything.”
I didn’t know why, but I took his hand. He pulled me off the ledge and then pulled me into a hug that I didn’t even know I needed. I fell apart in his shoulder, trembling as he held on tight as if I was more than a stranger. As if I was important. As if I mattered.
“I got you, man. I got you,” he swore. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“You don’t know that.” I cried into him. I fell apart in a stranger’s arms as he soothed my troubled heart.
“I know, but I’m going to do everything possible to make sure it is for you,” he said. “What’s your name, buddy?”
“Damian,” I muttered.
“Damian. Nice to meet you. I’m Connor, and I’m going to be your new friend, okay? I’m going to have your back when you need it. Whenever you feel close to the edge, come find me.”
39
Stella
Present Day
* * *
My mind was overtaking me. I thought after finding out Grams was going to be okay, my anxiety would go away. I thought the panic attacks would disappear, but they didn’t. They only increased in intensity as each week passed by.