She sucked in a sharp breath, clarity and regret coloring her eyes as she dabbed at the corners with a napkin. “I’m not hurt,” she said, gathering herself. “I’m disappointed.”
My shoulders sank, my already warring emotions taking a hit.
“Not in you,” she hurried to say. “In myself.” Her eyes went distant as if she was only now realizing the affects her lifestyle might have on her children. Sure, I was the oldest, but I wasn’t the only one of marrying age. Had she really not thought about how we’d feel about it until someone proposed to me? “I should’ve done better,” she continued, shaking her head. “I should’ve made sure you understood that all the marriages and divorces had everything to do with me and my needs and nothing to do with you or any of your siblings.”
“I know that,” I said. “I really do, Mom. I know you love me, love all of us. It’s not that.”
“But you have to understand that marriage doesn’t cause love to disappear,” she urged, squeezing my hand. “It has everything to do with how we work as partners, and for some reason, I haven’t found the right one yet.”
I sighed. “What about Paul?” I asked, and she smiled slightly.
“Maybe. I feel like he’s the one, but I know my own heart. I won’t be certain until I’m certain. And that’s the thing, sweetie. I’ve never been certain.”
“Then why keep saying yes to every man who proposes to you? How can you risk your heart like that over and over again?” I asked, seriously curious.
“I believe, down to my core, that love is worth it.” She shrugged, sipping from her white wine.
I puzzled over that, my soul feeling stripped raw with the battle inside me, with the pressure mounting with Brogan’s proposal.
What I had with Brogan was unlike anything I’d experienced before, and here I was, scared to death to say yes to any kind of future with him. There were a million reasons—my mom’s history, my own fear of the love vanishing the second we said I do, the absolute fact that Skye’s mother would return to her life at some point, and then where would that leave me?
And even if Skye felt like mine, she wasn’t. I was her nanny, Brogan’s live-in nanny. How could I be one hundred percent sure that he loved me for me and not for the fact that I was magic with his baby girl, and a decent, convenient lay?
Bitterness clung to my chest, making it hard to breathe. Brogan had never once made me feel like a convenience, but I couldn’t stop the traitorous thoughts from creeping into my mind. It was an awful defense mechanism I possessed—find every excuse in the world to not commit to someone, no matter how amazing they were.
No matter how much I loved him.
Because I knew I did. I loved Brogan so much it scared me, but we’d only known each other a few months. How in the hell could I give him my forever when we didn’t even know if we could stand each other for a year, yet?
“Does he make you happy?” Mom asked, and I nodded. “Does he make you laugh?” I nodded again. “Does he acknowledge your worth?”
I swallowed hard but nodded. “He does,” I said. Even though it was hard to separate my job from the relationship we had. We’d crossed that line, so now everything was blurred. He’d reward me with kisses and passionate nights when I’d get Skye to sleep. He’d thank me for making her smile or reading to her. Was that about us or was that about my job? It was hard to understand where my job ended, and his and my relationship truly began. And that, in itself, added to the dilemma I was having when it came to my heart.
“Then I think you have your answer,” she said, leaning back in her chair like she’d made her point.
“It’s not that simple,” I said.
“Love never is,” she replied.
I blew out a breath, my heart aching. If I shut off my brain and drowned out all the reasons why this shouldn’t work or why this could fall apart and crush me in the process…if I only listened to my heart, then the answer was clear.
I loved Brogan.
I didn’t want to be with anyone else.
I loved his daughter and knew in my soul I’d love her always.
But who I was, wasn’t just my heart. I was a complicated, stubborn woman with enough commitment issues to fill a textbook. So I couldn’t just listen to one or the other. I had to find a definitive answer, something concrete that helped me know I was making the best choice for everyone involved, and when it came to Brogan and me? That other person involved was pretty damn important. I needed to make sure I didn’t ruin Skye’s life, and that might’ve been the most important reason of all to think this through.