“I lost her,” I say dully to Diesel. “I lost the only woman who’s ever made me feel alive. Who’s ever lit up my life and made me chase after her and made me think and made me want to be a better man.” I toss the tequila back, feeling the burn down my throat and into my stomach. It’s the only thing I can feel right now, and above all else, I crave the ability to feel something.
Diesel, a friend since high school, claps me on the back. “Kaden, you’re being a dumbass.”
Sometimes, I’m not sure if knowing someone since high school is such a bonus after all.
“She’s testing you. And you’re failing. Just like our high school English class, you’re getting your ass handed to you on a silver platter.”
All right, fine, I’ll admit it – numbers are my thing. Words? Not so much. As is evidenced by my apparent complete inability to say the right ones to Brittney.
I know that I’d been bored a month ago and that’s what started this whole debacle, but I’m way past that now. A small part of me wishes for boredom again, because at least boredom isn’t painful.
But another, larger part of me, welcomes feeling alive. Pain equal life, and for a long time, I wasn’t living. I was just going through the motions. Throwing that brick through the windshield of the cop car was the best thing I’ve ever done, although I’m not sure my lawyer agrees. He’s still trying to haggle the courts down to a simple fine, but I keep telling him that I want to do community service at the local library branch. He keeps telling me that I’ve completely lost my mind, and maybe I have.
“Kaden!” Diesel snaps impatiently, and I jerk my head up, pulled out of my musings. “I don’t know if she realizes that she’s testing you, or if this is a surprise even to her. But I promise you, she’s sitting out there somewhere, waiting for you to come talk to her. To come after her. Tell me – that night in the bar, how hard did you fight for her?”
“She didn’t want to hear anything I had to say!” I protest half-heartedly, but inwardly, I know he’s right. I had let her say her piece, and then walk out on me. I didn’t chase after her, I didn’t make her hear my side of the story; I just let her go.
“And if you asked her, she’d probably say that’s right. I’m sure she didn’t think she wanted to hear anything you’ve had to say…right then. But Kaden, it’s been a week. She will have calmed down by now. You need to at least go try. If you don’t, you’re going to regret this for the rest of your life.”
“Yeah,” I say so quietly, I can hardly hear the word myself. It’s more of an exhalation of air than a word. But he is right. I’ve already spent the last week regretting this. I can’t imagine feeling this fuck-awful for the rest of my life.
“Yeah, you’re right,” I say louder, with more confidence.
“There’s the Kaden I know,” Diesel says, smacking me on the back with a broad grin. “Now, I just happen to know where Brittney is tonight, since she’s out on the town with Lisa.”
“Hold on, Lisa and Brittney are hanging out tonight?” I ask, surprised.
“Yeah. It was Lisa’s job to talk sense into Brittney, and it was my job to talk sense into you. We’re both sick of the moping. Whoever succeeds gets a blowjob from the other person. I figure that I’m a winner either way, but for fuck’s sakes, you hold a Lisa Blowjob in the palm of your hands. Go on and win it for me!”
“You know that sounds really bizarre, right?” I ask, laughing.
“Listen, it’s either gonna be you or Lisa, but someone is going down on me tonight,” Diesel warns. I think he’s joking, but it’s hard to tell in the dark lighting of the bar.
“All right, all right, I’m going!” I shove back my chair and gesture to the waiter for my bill.
“I’ve got the bill,” Diesel says, shoving me towards the front door. “You need to go win me that blowjob.”
Not our normal parting goodbyes to each other, but for tonight, I’ll take it.
86
Brittne
y
After letting me water the front of her shirt for a while, Lisa finally suggests that we head up to the rooftop. Since this is what 230 Fifth is known for, I happily agree. Maybe some fresh air will do me some good. After a quick stop in the bathroom to fix my makeup, we make our way up to the roof, where we can admire the view for miles. Or at least a few city blocks.
I breathe in deep and smile. I really do feel better. Lisa is such an amazing friend. I’m lucky to have her.
“Listen, I was thinking that you ought to give Kaden another chance,” Lisa says casually, leaning on the railing as we look out over the city together. It’s a view that the New York City girl in me will never tire of.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. But that means that he has to come after me! I mean, I can’t go after him. How weak and needy will that look?”
Lisa looks uncomfortable, as if she’s inwardly debating something, when I suddenly spot Kaden coming through the door. “He’s here!” I hiss, turning away and staring off into the distance intently, as if I’ve never seen this view before.
“He is?” she says excitedly, craning her neck to look towards the door.
“Don’t look!” I hiss, elbowing her in the ribs. “We’re going to play this cool.”