I sigh. How am I going to explain this?
"It's not that I'm not worried about this," I tell her as she rolls her eyes at me. "It's just that while the University doesn't forbid a relationship between us, it's probably best to come out with it till after you leave my class."
"But what about the program?" she asks me.
I shrug.
"I don't think you have anything to worry about the program," I tell her. "I'm pretty sure you're going to be a shoo-in."
I'm serious. I meant for it to comfort her.
But I'm a guy and I don't understand what girls are thinking about sometimes.
Because her eyes tear up.
"You've done something, haven't you?" she asks me, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "You've stacked the deck for me, haven't you?"
"What?" I ask shocked. "Why would I do that?"
"You mean you told them not to select me?" she asks.
I stare at her. Unfortunately I can't say anything more without giving it away. So I remain silent.
"Why can't you just tell me? I don't care what you did, but I'd be more hurt if there was someone more qualified and they never got the chance because of me and you..." Christine begins but I stop her.
"I can't say anything more, Christine," I say to her in a very professional manner. "I hope you understand. It's just my principles I can't compromise."
Christine's eyes go wide and she spends a long moment staring at me. Then, as if she's putting a wall around her heart, she composes herself.
"You have your principles, I get that," she tells me. "I do too."
And with that, she scoots her chair back and gets up. I watch her as she walks away.
I guess the ball is truly in her court now.
Let's see what she does with it.
168
Christine
“Don’t tell me you’re breaking up with Professor Hung?” Kim asks me, placing the straw of her cocktail between her lips and taking a sip. She always has these nicknames for the men we’re dating - and Anders’ happens to varies from Professor Hung to Professor Handsome.
“It’s… complicated,” I tell her, staring down at my own cocktail but not drinking it. I just move the straw around in long, wide circles, thinking back to my fight with Anders. And now that Kim is putting it like that, these two terrible words - break up - feel like a neon sign inside my head.
“Of course it is complicated,” Kim looks me in the eye and places her cocktail down. She’s looking at me in that way of hers, reading me as if she’s a psychic. “You’re torn between the UN Consultancy Program and Professor Handsome,” she tells me patiently. Kim always had a knack for understanding people, and she always gets to the bottom of things without tiptoeing around the truth. That’s why I’m here with her, in one of the booths at Dos Caminos, recounting her what just happened with Anders. The fight, the way I stormed off… I even told her of the amazing sex we had before it.
“Yeah… I guess…” I mutter, still moving the straw around in an endless circle, my heart tightening up inside my chest as I realize that I might have ruined things with both Anders and the Consultancy Program. But I just don’t know what to do! This is a complete mess, and it’s all my fault.
“So, pick one,” she smiles at me, and I can tell that she understands how hard that choice really is. How do you make a choice like this - your ambitions and your whole future, or the man of your dreams? Why can’t I just have both?
“It’s not that simple,” I state the obvious, forcing myself to take a sip out of my cocktail. Maybe if I get a little buzz going on I’ll find the courage to make a decision. Hooray for liquid courage, right?
“Yeah, yeah. It’s complicated,” Kim sighs, taking another sip out of her cocktail, “it’s always complicated with you, girl. But I get it, you’re between a rock and a hard place. But there’s no way around it - you’ll have to decide, Christine.”
“I know, I know… I just… I just don’t know what to do!” I cry out, chomping on my lower lip as the memories of these two past months dance around inside my mind. I had a regular life before Anders, but he turned it all upside down. And, as bad as my situation is right now, I can’t really say that I would have done it any differently.
“Do you love him?” Kim asks, reaching for me and squeezing my hand. I raise my eyes from the glass and return her gaze, her words hanging heavy in the air. She looks at me patiently, waiting for my reply. Do you love him? Well, do I?