I jerk my head up, which sets the world to spinning, and try to focus my eyes on Ashley. "Yes?" I say, although it comes out sounding like "Yesssshhhh?" I’m not sure why. It’s almost like I’m drunk or something.
"The nightclub is closed," she says. "It’s four in the morning – I don’t know if we’re going to be able to find you a bathroom anywhere nearby."
Oh! Bathroom! Damn, do I have to go pee.
"I think I’m just gonna cop a squat right here and go pee," I announce to the group. I start hiking up my skirt, but Ashley grabs my arm and starts dragging me.
"Where are we going?" I ask her as we stumble along. Well, I stumble. I probably shouldn’t have had those last five tequila shots. Or eaten the worm, really.
"An alleyway. If you’re going to go pee in public, let’s at least do it in a semi-private alley."
Ohhhh…so smart. This is why Ashley is the Big Boss at Blush. She’s such a smartie. I should get her Smarties for her birthday.
Hmmmm…I wonder when her birthday is…
Lisa opens up her purse and starts rummaging around. "Let’s create a little landing pad for her to aim for."
I stare at her. It’s like she’s speaking English, but I don’t understand the words coming out of her mouth. She triumphantly pulls a wad of napkins out of her purse. "I knew these would come in handy someday," she says, waving them around. She starts laying them down on the asphalt.
"Oh, I see," Erica says, obviously as confused as I had been. She digs around in her purse and pulls out a feminine pad, spreading it on the ground too.
I stare down at my pile of pads and then back up at my friends. "I have to aim for that?" I ask. It seems a little…difficult. Intense. You know, something that I should be sober for or some shit.
"You’ll be fine," Ashley assures me. "We’ll stand right here and form a human shield for you." My three besties move and link arms together, a sight that has me super emotional.
"You guys are so nice!" I blubber. "I don’t know what I’d do without you."
"Well, for starters, you should go pee on that pile of napkins."
Oh! Right! I have to go pee real bad. I don’t know if I told you that or not yet, but damn, I have to go! I’m so glad that my friends made this pile of napkins for me.
I hike up my skirt and pull down my panties. I try to lower myself directly over the pile, but I tell you what, you try squatting over a pile of napkins, at four in the morning, drunk off your ass, while wearing stilettos and a pencil skirt, and we’ll see how well you do.
Let’s just say that this isn’t my finest hour.
Yeah, yeah, you can do better than me. Showoff.
Just about mid-stream, which I’m praying isn’t splashing up and getting my favorite stilettos wet, I hear it.
"Hey, what are you doing?" I jerk my head up, trying to push the yellow liquid out of me faster as I spot a cop heading down the alleyway towards us.
God oh god oh god oh god…
"Pee faster!" Ashley whispers.
"I’m trying!" I whisper-yell back. It’s not exactly like it’s fun down here or something.
"What are you doing down here?" the cop demands, huffing, once he stops in front of us. At least I’m not the only one who needs to go to the gym.
"Just going for a midnight stroll, Officer," Lisa says, and from my view from the ground, it looks like they’re doing a dance, but I think they’re just trying to block his view of me, swaying back and forth to keep him from seeing me.
Finally, thank god finally, the stream spurts and sputters to a stop and I stand up, trying to pull up my panties while it not being obvious that I’m pulling up my panties.
While also not falling over into my pile of pee-soaked napkins.
Have I mentioned that this isn’t exactly my finest hour? I do feel better now, so that’s a bonus.
"I smell urine!" the cop says angrily. "You ladies need to move out of the way. I need to inspect that pile behind—"