Somehow, I don’t have as much faith in Kaden. He really is a genius in the boardroom, and an idiot outside of it.
But dammit, he was an idiot I happened to be falling for.
The waterworks display is seriously getting out of control here. Even I realize that. I try to snuffle my tears back. Lisa hands me a tissue and I honk my nose.
God, I’m so ladylike. I roll my eyes at myself.
"The thing is, I’m not even so sure that I mind that he stalked me. Okay, so really, greasing some palms and finding out how much vacation time I have on the books is just totally beyond the pale, but he did it because he wanted to impress me. That’s kinda flattering, really. The fact that he took that much time to really learn about me…I wish he’d taken the time to ask me instead of sending out a team of investigators to discover this stuff, but god, he was just trying to make me happy."
I’ll admit it – this realization took me almost a week to really wrap my mind around. At first, I’d just been too pissed to think straight, and then I was too depressed.
The good news is, I took that week of vacation that my boss has been hounding me about.
The bad news is, I spent that week at home in my PJs, eating Girl Scout cookies, watching every variation of Pride & Prejudice that I could get my hands on, and crying.
I really shouldn’t have any tears left in me. I don’t know how I can still be producing any at this point.
"So why are you so unhappy?" Lisa has changed her pats over to strokes up and down my arm, and I sink into her side even further. This. This is what I need. A balm to soothe my soul.
"Because he didn’t fight me at all. Last week when I was yelling at him, or this whole past week when I’ve been at home." Getting fat eating Thin Mints. "He just let me walk on out him and hasn’t said ‘Boo’ to me since. No flowers, no texts, no phone calls…I don’t think he cares. He’s probably off, stalking some other girl at the Bungalow 8. I’m worth less than nothing to him – not even worth fighting for."
I mean, you’ve watched all the same chick-flick movies that I have. The guy goes after the girl and apologizes. He holds a boombox up in the air. He makes an ass of himself on national television. Something.
But not Kaden. He doesn’t even seem to realize that I’m gone.
And that hurts more than anything.
Kaden
I stare down into my tequila shot, hoping for answers, but the alcohol doesn’t seem to be delivering any.
"I lost her," I say dully to Diesel. "I lost the only woman who’s ever made me feel alive. Who’s ever lit up my life and made me chase after her and made me think and made me want to be a better man." I toss the tequila back, feeling the burn down my throat and into my stomach. It’s the only thing I can feel right now, and above all else, I crave the ability to feel something.
Diesel, a friend since high school, claps me on the back. "Kaden, you’re being a dumbass."
Sometimes, I’m not sure if knowing someone since high school is such a bonus after all.
"She’s testing you. And you’re failing. Just like our high school English class, you’re getting your ass handed to you on a silver platter."
All right, fine, I’ll admit it – numbers are my thing. Words? Not so much. As is evidenced by my apparent complete inability to say the right ones to Brittney.
I know that I’d been bored a month ago and that’s what started this whole debacle, but I’m way past that now. A small part of me wishes for boredom again, because at least boredom isn’t painful.
But another, larger part of me, welcomes feeling alive. Pain equal life, and for a long time, I wasn’t living. I was just going through the motions. Throwing that brick through the windshield of the cop car was the best thing I’ve ever done, although I’m not sure my lawyer agrees. He’s still trying to haggle the courts down to a simple fine, but I keep telling him that I want to do community service at the local library branch. He keeps telling me that I’ve completely lost my mind, and maybe I have.
"Kaden!" Diesel snaps impatiently, and I jerk my head up, pulled out of my musings. "I don’t know if she realizes that she’s testing you, or if this is a surprise even to her. But I promise you, she’s sitting out there somewhere, waiting for you to come talk to her. To come after her. Tell me – that night in the bar, how hard did you fight for her?"
"She didn’t want to hear anything I had to say!" I protest half-heartedly, but inwardly, I know he’s right. I had let her say her piece, and then walk out on me. I didn’t chase after her, I didn’t make her hear my side of the story; I just let her go.
"And if you asked her, she’d probably say that’s right. I’m sure she didn’t think she wanted to hear anything you’ve had to say…right then. But Kaden, it’s been a week. She will have calmed down by now. You need to at least go try. If you don’t, you’re going to regret this for the rest of your life."
"Yeah," I say so quietly, I can hardly hear the word myself. It’s more of an exhalation of air than a word. But he is right. I’ve already spent the last week regretting this. I can’t imagine feeling this fuck-awful for the rest of my life.
"Yeah, you’re right," I say louder, with more confidence.
"There’s the Kaden I know," Diesel says, smacking me on the back with a broad grin. "Now, I just happen to know where Brittney is tonight, since she’s out on the town with Lisa."
"Hold on, Lisa and Brittney are hanging out tonight?" I ask, surprised.