In a move that is now emblematic of the new Mayor, Liam Jeffries held a press conference today where he criticized the owners of the Pik-A-Part Factory that will be closing its doors in less than a month.
The factory will be moving its operations to Shanghai, China, and removing approximately 2,500 jobs from the local economy.
"It’s motherfuckers like this that are destroying this country," the Mayor said in a live televised address that was delayed by five seconds to clear up some of the Mayor’s saltier words. "They think they’re really screwing this town because we wouldn't lower their local taxes so they’re taking their fucking jobs. But I have a surprise for those assholes."
It is standard practice now for local television studios to film the Mayor and apply a language filter that will drown out certain words that many have complained about. However, this newspaper believes in printing the exact words as they were spoken, and undertakes no such censorship.
In a further move that truly surprised all local pundits, the Mayor then went on to announce a partnership with Boltiador Global Industries that would bring a total of 10,000 jobs to the local New Kingston economy as well as jump start many areas of growth that had remained stagnant in the last decade.
Mayor Liam Jeffries is the youngest mayor to h
old an office in the history of the nation. He campaigned on a policy of helping and taking care of the blue collar workers that he says "built this country."
A product of Harvard University, he nevertheless casts a contemptuous eye to his Ivy League brethren, calling them, "castrated pansies who don't have a pair of balls between them." Instead, the mayor has championed the causes of the working class, campaigning and governing on a platform of being a regular, everyday man.
The Mayor’s antics are not without critics who complain that he cheapens and sullies the sanctity of his office and who call on him to strike a more mayoral and dignified approach to conducting affairs.
"Having 10,000 jobs come to the town is great, but if it means it's because the whole world is laughing at us because they know about how he treated that poor woman in Paris, then maybe that wasn’t the best way to go about bringing them over," said AJ Reynolds, who had unsuccessfully ran against Mayor Jeffries in the last election.
Mr. Reynolds refers to allegations of sexual impropriety at the World Mayor’s Conference in Paris, France. The impropriety allegedly occurred in the dealings between Mayor Jeffries and Naomi Boltiador, heir to the Boltiador family fortune. Both parties have denied any sort of wrongdoing, while the Mayor took time to address questions regarding the allegations during his press conference.
When asked whether the allegations were true, he shrugged. "It sounds like the only people who have a problem with it are the ones who are jealous that I got to bang some hot as fuck pussy, while they sat there sucking on their Vienna sausages," he replied.
However, despite the unorthodox manner in which Mayor Jeffries has conducted himself, his approval ratings have climbed steadily throughout his first term in office and the addition of 10,000 jobs makes many observers believe that they will only climb despite the attempts of his many enemies. Indeed, from the way his plan was presented, it invariably begs the question as to how the town will react to this bad boy mayor as more jobs from the Boltiador deal begin pouring in.
But before there is any real celebration, observers warn that the jobs may never come in the first place. That’s because of recently passed environmental laws that are seen by many to be the signature legislation of Governor Carter Andrews, the Democratic governor.
The New York State Clean Air and Water Act would raise standards on emissions as well as increasingly regulate and place pollution controls. These would be sufficient to not allow the Boltiador factories from being built in the first place. When asked to comment on this possibility, Liam Jeffries was nonchalant as he commented, "If the Governor wants to sit there and tell me that 10,000 jobs can’t come to my town because of some law to protect some owls or shit, I’ll bring them anyways and just tell him to go fuck himself."
It remains to be seen what the Governor’s response will be.
Carter
The city of New Kingston is roughly 56 miles away from New York City and it still manages to piss me off somehow. And all because of that bastard, Liam Jeffries. I didn’t really intend to come here today, but since I’m on my way from Albany to New York City, I figured I could take a few minutes of my time to tell the Mayor to start toeing the line.
After all, it’s not every day that a small town Mayor of a sleepy suburb tells the Governor of the state to ‘fuck off’.
I don’t usually swear. I think it shows that you have nothing to talk about. That you’re a weak man. But Liam is in a whole different category by himself. Someone should really just punch him in the face and set him straight. What a sorry excuse for a Republican.
Yeah, he’s got a reputation, and not a good one at that. Cocky and full of himself, most politicians in New York find him almost impossible to deal with. But that’s exactly what I do for a living: as Governor of New York, I spend most of my days dealing with assholes like him. Yeah, you got that right on the first try: I’m the Governor of the state of New York, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow a guy like Liam to ignore the law. Or tell me to fuck off. In a way, he’s like a whiny brat who's found his way to the Mayor’s seat. But if that bastard thinks he can do as he pleases, he’s in for a surprise. If need be, I’ll beat some sense into his thick skull.
"We’re here, sir," my driver tells me, stopping the car in front of New Kingston’s City Hall. The building towers over us, its wide columns giving it the semblance of an old roman palace. The dome at the top gives it a royal flair, and somehow, it seems fitting—Liam Jeffries thinks of himself as a king. Unfortunately for him, the real world has come knocking on his door, and I’m its messenger.
The black SUV from my security detail parks behind us, and my men get out of the car in a hurry, eager to secure the perimeter. I don’t bother with waiting; I step out of my car immediately, eager to get this over with. Jack, the head of security looks at me with a resigned expression; he already knows how little I care about protocol. In the end, though, he respects the fact that I only care about getting shit done.
Stretching my legs, I take a deep breath as I gaze at the building in front of me. I didn’t remember it being this imposing, but then again, I haven’t been back to New Kingston in a few years.
I straighten my cuffs and button my jacket as I walk up the stairs toward the main entrance; there are a few people leaving the building, and they all turn their heads to look at me. Some people are just wondering about the security apparatus, but most of them are just surprised that governor Carter Andrews is dropping by unannounced. If I scheduled my visit through the regular channels, I’m sure there’d already be a cadre of journalists waiting for me, and as far as I’m concerned, the less the spotlight is on me the better. I’m not in this for the fame, and I don’t care about the attention; I care about getting the job done. That’s what I was elected for.
Even though I despise the spotlight, it’s impossible for me to get rid of all the superfluous attention. I became, after all, New York’s youngest Governor in history at the age of 29. If you add the fact that I’m worth $730 million dollars, all from tech companies I built after serving in Iraq, and keep in shape by working out every single day… Well, you know where I’m going with this.
Yeah, okay. I've got the 8-pack abs. I've got the pecs. I’ve never done it before, but other women have measured my cock. I mean really measured it, not just putting it in their mouths to call it measuring. They tell me I’m 12 inches, base to tip.
It seems the ladies love that.
Being single doesn’t help matters too; judging by all the attention women’s magazines give me, my marital status seems like a big deal. To be honest, I don’t really mind the attention women devote to me ... as long as that doesn’t get in the way of my job. I’m more than willing to sleep with hot women, but if they think I’ll put them up on a pedestal, they’re mistaken.
If they think I’ll sacrifice my time from this job to satisfy their desire for a boyfriend, they’re a bit mistaken.