I fucking loathe that tone.
And she knows it.
Hell, she even looks like mom in her little pencil skirt and heels.
“Do you mind? You’re fucking up my golf game right now.”
“Tough shit, cupcake. You’re thirty-five, and you’re out here shooting golf balls off the ass of some hooker? Your retirement party is still going on inside, you know.”
“Actually, she’s my caddy.”
I bend down and give the caddy a little swat on the ass that makes her coo again.
“You. Stay put.”
“This your plan for the rest of the night, Will?”
I shrug, slinging my golf club over my shoulder, and staring out across the green.
“Mostly, yeah.”
“You should be going home to a wife, Will. A kid or two. Being a fucking adult. Not here with some naked broad, trying to shoot golf balls off her ass.”
“Would have succeeded if you hadn’t come up on me like some creepy fucking ninja.”
“Come on, Will. You’re still acting like you’re some twenty-two year old college student whose only goal in life is to get his dick wet and drink over-priced booze. You should be settling down. Finding a woman to love and have a family with.”
I groan. It’s a spiel I’ve heard from her before. Far too fucking often of late for my own liking.
“Love doesn’t exist, Sarah. The world isn’t some fucking fairy tale Jennifer Aniston movie. Guy doesn’t find girl and fall helpless in love. That’s not how the world works. Love is a joke without a punchline.”
Sarah shakes her head at me. If we were kids, I’d be ripping the heads off all her Barbie dolls tonight just for dragging this shit up.
“You can’t seriously believe that.”
“And why not?” I shrug and take another drink of my whiskey. “Who the fuck are you to lecture me on love? You order men from that creepy-ass dating website like you’re ordering a burger and fries at a drive-thru.”
She shifts in her stance, and I can see I’ve hit a nerve.
“MaleOrder.com is not a drive-through.”
“Yeah,” I chuckle. “I bet you take super-size portions with extra helpings of special sauce, too.”
Her lips twitch, and I know I got her good.
Will, one and Sarah, zero.
“Besides, what classy woman is going to want me? I’m not the guy you take home to mom and dad. The only women I‘d want to have kids with respect themselves too much to want me. I play better to the slut demographic, and you know it.”
“Hey!” the Caddyshack of strippers protests. I just give her another love tap with my club again. She giggles at the attention.
Sarah rolls her eyes. “But if you got married—”
“Marriage is a contract; one I’d rather not sign.”
Sarah’s lip curls in frustration. “Okay, hot shot. How about we try this a different way? A wager of sorts.”
“A wager? You don’t know the difference between a flush and a full house.”