‘Am I enough, though?’ she asked anxiously.
‘Oh, yes,’ he replied definitely.
She was absolutely enough.
More than enough.
So much more than enough, only he wasn’t talking about the baby now, because holding her, for the first time holding her, he forgot what they were talking about, forgot that she was pregnant. She was simply Celeste, funny, kind and terribly, terribly sexy. The scent of her up close, the soft feel of her head against his chest, overcame him, and he was lost in her. As naturally as breathing, he told her how he felt with a kiss instead of words, just pulling up her chin and kissing her. He lowered his head onto dark red lips and confirmed how enough she was with his mouth, and as their lips met Ben experienced this heady rush, like sugar dissolving on his tongue, as he tasted temptation.
She was stunned, because this was nothing like she had ever felt before, because in Ben’s arms she felt safe, and just herself. Good, bad, whatever, she was herself with Ben. She had admitted to him that she was scared and the world had carried right on moving, only now it was even better than before.
His hands were in her hair and his mouth was moving with hers and she felt sexy—for the first time in her life she felt sexy and cherished and safe. And Ben felt it too, this tenderness and want rushing in that was finally without comparison. There was no logical thought to it—it was just a kiss, but one that tasted like heaven, surrounded by the scent of her hair and with her tongue cool from water. It was instinct, just the haven of instinct.
She kissed him back.
Kissed Ben in a way she never had before.
Not a practised kiss, not the type you have to think about—it was all about tasting, sharing, which was just how it should be. Ben’s privacy, the isolated place that was him was suddenly hers to explore, and it tasted divine. Celeste had stepped inside the exclusive inner sanctum of this guarded man and she gloried in it.
‘Celeste.’ He groaned her name into her mouth, so she knew that she was there, knew she was the woman he was kissing tonight. One of his hands was on the back of her head, bringing her face to his, the other was on her bottom, her big fat dimply bottom, she vaguely thought, except he cupped it and stroked it till all it felt was fabulous. She hadn’t really known what sexy was, yet she was discovering it now, right now, when it should be the last thing on her mind. Yet she was only a woman and, as his hands gathered her closer to him, it was all she wanted to be.
He had never come closer to escape—to a place where it was just him.
It wasn’t a selfish escape.
Because also in that place was Celeste, and for a blissful few moments Ben was himself—the real him, the one that had been lost for ages. So he kissed her, tasted her, wanted her, without past or future, just succumbed to the heady taste of the present. He was hard, and he could feel her lovely bottom in his hands; he was in the place where bliss was no longer enough and then you reached for more, so he pulled her into his hardness, wanted to feel her softness against him, to shed her clothes, to drown in her. But instead he felt the solid weight of the baby that had been there only on the periphery of his mind now pressed into him. He could feel the dense weight of it and, tonight of all nights, it felt like a punch to the stomach, and it was Ben who pulled back.
‘I’m sorry.’ He released her so quickly it felt as if she were falling. ‘That shouldn’t have happened.’
Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it had. It wasn’t the kiss that embarrassed her—she was saving that for later. Right now it was his reaction—he was acting as though he was completely appalled at what he had done.
‘Forget it...’ She attempted casual, with a heart rate topping a hundred, as if shot awake from a blissful dream. Only now she was facing stark reality and just wanted out of there, as soon as she could. ‘Really, it’s no big deal.’
‘Celeste...’ Hell, he didn’t want to add to her problems—only he just had, Ben knew that. But he had forgotten in that moment that she was pregnant. As he’d held her, all she had been was Celeste. ‘Like I said, I’m not looking for—’
‘I get it, Ben,’ she interrupted. ‘And neither am I. It was just a kiss, just...’ She shrugged helplessly, because it had been so much more than just a kiss. She could still taste him on her lips, still feel the delicious crush of him holding her, and now he had taken it all away. ‘Just one of those things that should never have happened. It doesn’t change anything.’
CHAPTER FIVE
ONLY EVERYTHING CHANGED.
He saw her come into work around lunchtime the next day and speak with Meg. Trying to pretend nothing had happened, she gave him a quick smile as she passed. It had been a kiss between friends, Ben told himself, that had maybe got just a little out of hand. He was certain they could move on from it, so when a little while later he met her in the corridor, he asked how she was.
‘Not bad.’ She gave him a breezy smile. ‘I’m officially on maternity leave.’
‘How are you, Celeste?’ Belinda clipped past on high heels and stopped to ask.
‘I was just telling Ben that I’ve been signed off.’ He could see it was with great effort she was maintaining that smile. ‘So I guess I’ll see you both when I’m a mum.’
There was a message for him in there, Ben knew it, and, feeling guilty, he was almost relieved to hear it. He was having trouble believing how stupid he’d been last night. She had enough on her plate without him messing things up, and a waif with a baby was the very last thing he needed right now.
‘I hope she’s okay,’ Belinda said as Celeste waddled off.
‘She will be now she’s not working,’ Ben answered.
‘No.’ Belinda gave a little shake of her head. ‘I meant that I hope she’ll be okay on her own with a baby.’
‘She’s not a teenager...’ They were walking back to the office, and Ben was getting more and more irritated with Belinda’s gloom. ‘She’ll be fine.’
‘But, still, it isn’t going to be easy. I wonder who the father is? I mean, she’s never said, and surely he should be responsible for something...’
‘How’s your new man?’ Ben rapidly changed the subject as they reached their office. ‘Still going strong?’
‘Paul’s amazing,’ Belinda sighed happily. ‘We’re going away this weekend.’
‘I know.’ Ben grinned. ‘I’m covering for you.’
‘His ex-wife’s got the kids.’
‘Have you met them yet?’
‘God, no.’ Belinda rolled her eyes as she sorted out some paperwork. ‘The last thing I need is someone else’s kids.’
It was the last thing Ben needed too.
Of all the stupid things to do... As they worked on in silence, Ben was silently brooding. Whether he liked it or not, he was involved with Celeste and her baby up to a point. He couldn’t just stop going over to see her while she remained his neighbour...
‘Here.’ Belinda broke into his introspection. ‘I’ve got something for you.’
Ben went over to the computer and had to laugh as twenty or so female faces pouted back at him from an internet dating agency’s website. ‘I typed in your details and came up with all these possibilities for you.’
‘I’m not interested in dating, and certainly not this way,’ he said.
‘Oh, get into the twenty-first century.’ Belinda laughed. ‘At least you know what you’re getting this way—I haven’t got time to go out to the clubs. And I know Paul’s not looking for a stay-at-home surrogate mother for his children—he knows from the start that my career comes first and I absolutely don’t want a baby. Look, she’s nice.’ She brought up a woman’s details and Ben read on.
‘She says she wants someone with no baggage,’ Ben pointed out. ‘I’ve got a truckload.’
‘We all have.’ Belinda shrugged. ‘You just have to lie a little. I mean, if you get to our age and have had any semblance of a life, baggage is the norm. Go on, Ben,’ she urged. ‘Give it a go.’
‘Leave it, Belinda,’ he warned. Colleagues he could deal with, friendly colleagues even, but Belinda was pushing the line. She was in love and hanging off lampposts and wanted to spread her happiness—but she was talking to the wrong guy. ‘I couldn’t be less interested in starting a relationship now.’
* * *
He meant it.
Four years ago tomorrow... He lay on the bed when he got home and closed his eyes.
Four years...
Had it been that long? It seemed like only yesterday—yet it had also stretched on for ever.
Four years... He snapped his eyes open suddenly, knowing that he just had to deal with the present problem that was Celeste before he could get on with remembering and mourning the past.