"We need to talk," I say. As soon as I say it, I wish I had used a better set of words. Whenever someone says they need to talk, it casts an ominous shadow over a conversation before it even starts. But I couldn't help it. It was the fist thing to tumble out of my mouth. Can you blame me? It took every ounce of courage I could muster to even get this far. And sure enough, I see Michael frowning. His brow is furrowed into a deep crevice across his face.
"What could you possibly need to talk about right now? Can you see I'm busy? This campaign requires my full attention, Jocelyn."
I feel my entire body twisting into knots. I see that small talk isn't going to work with him, and besides, I don't know how much longer I'm going to last under his penetrating gaze, so I just come out and say it.
"I'm pregnant."
It's like an intense weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and for what seems like an impossibly long amount of time, there's silence. It's a deep and troubling silence. The kind of utter silence that you get on a dark, snowy night where the wind has stopped and no living thing can be heard or seen. I've been told that snow absorbs sound, and now I also feel that words can absorb sound too. I want Michael to say something. Anything. But my confession is met with an unsettling calm. I sit down in one of the chairs and watch the emotions written on his face. There is a moment of total clarity where he truly understands that this baby isn't his. It's impossible, he knows. But then I can see another moment where his mind is working overtime; trying to figure out whose baby this belongs to. There is a moment of pain when he feels the sting of my infidelity, but that's so fleeting that I almost doubt that I saw it. His face then morphs a final time, and this transformation is terrifying. It's hateful and exacting. He folds his hands together on top of his desk and leans back into his chair, carefully keeping his eyes locked on mine.
"Well then, this is cause for celebration—I'm going to be a father again."
At first I don't know what to say. Do I need to remind him that this baby isn't his? I mean, that goes without saying, right? What kind of a game is he playing?
"Michael, I—"
He cuts me off. There's a sharp glint in his eyes. "This is my baby."
"No, this—"
"Our new son will be named Michael Anders Jr. and this is my baby," he says, banging his fist down on top of the desk, his lips snarled.
"And what if it's a girl?"
He ignores my question and continues. "If I ever hear you say otherwise—if you so much as make a hint otherwise—I promise you'll regret the day you met me. I can, and will, bury you."
I’m silent. Michael leans forward.
“And if you ever want to keep any semblance of a father - one who hasn’t been publicly humiliated worse than you can ever imagine, with a wife that’s left him in his old age - if you want to keep your parents as the darlings of society, then you’ll keep your mouth shut, dear wife,” Michael says quietly.
That was the final dagger. It's no use arguing. This will be Michael's baby, and no one will ever think otherwise. I know Michael's a powerful man. He has wealth, power, prestige, and connections. I don't want anyone to get hurt—especially not my father or Lance. There's no way I'll ever tell him that this is actually Lance's baby. He can't know. I don't even want to think about what he'd do to Lance if he knew. I'll take this knowledge to my grave.
"It's no secret that I don't have any interest in you whatsoever," he says. His voice is cold and distant, and even though I've known this to be true for our entire marriage, it still hurts to hear him say it. "But it's important that we keep up appearances for the public—for the sake of this campaign. You will not compromise my bid for mayor."
I watch as he pulls a cigar from his desk drawer and lights it. I never see him smoke anymore. In fact, I thought he quit. I watch as blue smoke fills the room. On the one hand, I'm relieved to no longer be hiding and carrying this secret from Michael, but on the other hand, I know I've only been partially honest and that still sits inside of me like a boulder.
He exhales and continues, "You can't go public." He's like a lion that has cornered its prey. He can feel that power, and it spurs him on. He's opportunistic, and he's out for blood.
"I understand," I say, resigned and submissive.
"Good. Now let's have this baby."
52
Lance
I have a bad feeling. A bad fucking one. Deep inside of me there’s something gnawing, something poking holes in the happiness I’m feeling. I’ve never been a fucking superstitious kind of guy, but I can’t help it… I’m fucking worrying and I don’t even know why. It’s just a bad fucking feeling.
I have no reason to feel like this, though: I’ve met the perfect woman and everything’s going just great between the two of us. We had a rocky fucking start, that’s for sure, but things are better now. Sure, it’s not a fucking perfect situation, with my father and all… But as long as we have each other, everything will work out. Right? Yes, that’s fucking right.
Of course, life never does what you fucking expect it to do.
Worry turns into a sinking feeling in my stomach the moment I get home; Jocelyn is leaving my father’s office, looking down at the floor with an expression that tells me there's bad fucking news coming my way. She shuts the door behind her and heads down the corridor, not even noticing I’m here. I reach for her, gently grabbing her arm and pulling her to me.
“Hey, hey. What’s wrong? Something happened with my father?” She stops, dead in her tracks, but doesn’t even fucking look me in the eyes. “Are you okay?” Slowly, she raises her eyes and faces me; her pursed lips a distant impression of her smile.
“Everything’s okay, Lance,” she says, ice coating each one of her words. She takes one step back, forcing me to let go of her. “I just don’t know how to tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I ask, not liking the fucking direction this conversation is taking. What the fuck is going on?