“Jason told me that you came to see me,” Carla says, answering my unspoken question. “Sorry, but the last couple of days at the hospital have been crazy. I haven’t had the chance to come around or even spend any time with Jason.”
I nod, all of a sudden thinking that Jason probably loved it and invited Bethany to come over. He hasn’t even attempted to try and come over since he got me hot and bothered and sent me on a masturbation cruise. I never had desires like this when I was married to Tom.
“Hey, did I say something wrong?” she quizzes as she sits on the edge of the pool.
“Sorry, I was just distracted. I came round to talk about…You know. I suppose maybe I’m just feeling lonely. Or down. Or maybe a bit of both?”
I shrug as I try and figure out what’s going on inside my head. I realize that I wanted to talk to her about it, but the more I think about it, I can’t figure out what’s going on inside my head let alone talk to her about it. I don’t know myself what to do.
“Okay, take it easy. I have about twenty minutes until I need to get back to the hospital. I’m all yours until then!”
She moves her shades above her head as if to give me her undivided attention as she crosses her legs and sits on the tiles.
I shake my head. “No. Let me get out. You’re sitting in the sun. Besides I wanted a bit of a tan, not to completely roast my body.”
She laughs as I get out.
“Jennifer, you’re so lucky. You’ve everything in the right place, and we’ve both had one child.”
“Yes, but I’m a good few years younger than you.”
She sighs. “I suppose that’s the beauty of having your kids early. You still get to be young and enjoy life.”
As I wrap my towel around me. I laugh, “Yesterday I felt like a naughty school girl just buying this bikini. I’ve always gone for one piece swimsuits.”
“Oh no, but you have a lovely figure, Jenny, why would you do that?”
She’s the only one that calls me Jenny. It makes me feel as if she’s a true friend. The only one that I have near home, then again even out away from home I don’t have any.
“Because I had a husband that never wanted to touch me and I just thought that I disgusted him or something…that’s why.”
She whispers as she looks around as if anyone can hear her, “You mean up until they found the body you never knew that he was gay?”
I sigh as my mind flashes back to the first time I knew that something was up with our marriage and we both sit down under the umbrella. Without the sun beating on us and in the shade I felt more relaxed to talk about exactly how I felt about Tom.
“I caught him once. I can’t believe that I’m saying it out loud. I told myself that if I ever did then it would be true and I didn’t want it to be true.”
She’s looking at me eagerly to get to the point. I know that I’m talking in riddles, but it’s one of many things that I don’t like to talk about. Especially now that Tom’s dead, it almost feels as if I’m speaking badly about him, because I know that he’s not around to defend himself.
“I went grocery shopping one day and came home, and I saw him looking at gay porn. But it started before then. I knew. Or at least had a feeling, but for some crazy reason, until I saw the porn, I never wanted to admit to myself that there was something wrong with our marriage. I always thought that it was just me.”
She smiles and takes my hand.
“You’re too beautiful to feel that way about yourself. I wish that I didn’t have to work and then we could go out. Maybe getting out there and feeling like a woman again.”
I laugh. “Our marriage was arranged. I married Tom because our parents thought that we would be a good match. The only time we’d had sex was on our honeymoon. That’s why we only had one kid. Daniel.”
She tilts her head to the side. “And you never knew he was gay until you saw the porn?”
I confess, “I knew. I just didn’t want to admit it, and like everything in my life, I just swept it under the carpet.”
“What do you mean?”
I say, “Well, I thought that I was staying with Tom because he was a good dad and I didn’t want Daniel growing up without a dad.”
Shoot! I think about Carla being a single mom, and I don’t want her to think that I’m insulting her. Before I get a chance to speak, she says, “I know what you mean. It’s really hard work.”
“Anyway, it was only after Tom died and I started clearing out his things that I started looking at his photos. You know the ones that he kept on his phone. In his wallet and even some that he kept in the study and you know what I discovered?”