Falling for My Dirty Uncle

"I'm sure it's no surprise to any of you that I've been in the tabloids quite a bit as of late."

I hear more shouts from the crowd. "You can say that again!" another woman yells. I hear some laughs.

And I continue, "But I just want to make one thing clear. I don't give a fuck about what the media thinks about me. None. They can all say what they want. But we all know that I get results for this city! I put my money where my mouth is."

I hear clapping erupt across the crowd. "You tell 'em Parker!"

I continue, "The only people I care about are you—the hardworking citizens of New York City. And I think that's been apparent in my work as your Mayor."

I look out at the sea of smiling faces, and the clapping. I look at the serious nods of approval.

"What once was a city of crime, is now a place that," and I pause, holding the gaze of various women in the audience, "women can walk safely down the street at night. Safety is not a privilege, it's a right, and I'm proud to say that I've lowered crime across this city that we call home."

More cheers and claps emerge from the crowd.

"But let's not stop there," I smile, holding a dramatic pause. "I've brought back jobs to this magnificent city—including new construction. Not only have I brought new jobs, but a new infrastructure for us as well."

The crowd is growing increasingly loud, shouting their approval, and I'm on a fucking roll.

"I'm happy to say that unemployment is at an all-time low. And that's just the beginning!"

"You tell 'em Parker!" a man shouts again, and he's backed by increasingly more cheers.

I continue, "For all of our families—historically, the cost of housing has been especially tough. But I say, enough is enough! Families are our future, and it's been my mission to lower that cost—and I'm happy to say that's happened."

"Ain't that the truth!" comes another shout from the crowd, and there's another round of clapping.

I hold my hand up to quiet the crowd, and continue, "I've also cleaned up this beautiful city. As many of you have probably seen, I've added parks, play structures, and recreational courts, and because children are our future, and I believe that they should be given every opportunity possible to succeed, I've added a number of new after school programs."

There's more clapping, and at this point, I don't try to quiet the crowd. I just continue on.

"Shall I go on?"

People are now chanting, "Parker! Parker! Parker!"

"Under my years as Mayor, I have balanced the budget. We now have more money for what matters most to us, and not only that, but I've managed to lower taxes for all of our citizens. I'm sure you're all feeling the effects of that!"

The clapping continues, and increases in intensity.

"Never, in the history of our city, have things been this good. That's not hyperbole; that's the honest to God truth! And with that, I've got an announcement to make today."

I remain silent for a moment and look out across the sea of happy faces. The clapping and shouting continues, but grows quieter as everyone becomes eager to hear my announcement. They all seem to be leaning in just a little closer.

I continue, "I'm happy to announce that I will be running for a seat in the U.S Senate!"

With that news, the crowd erupts. They're shouting their approval. They're ecstatic. They're practically leaping out of their shoes.

I feel on top of the fucking world.

"With your support, I promise to represent the people of New York City in Congress—to talk about the issues that are most important to you, and to push along the bills that matter the most. I give you my promise. I'll be there when you need me the most. So always remember this, New York City: When you're in need, just ask Trask!"

The audience loves the tagline—they're literally eating it up—and they immediately begin shouting and chanting, "Just ask Trask! Just ask Trask! Just ask Trask! Just ask Trask!"

I smile with a grin that feels wider than the Atlantic Ocean.

I can feel the energy and excitement pulsing off of the crowd. People are shouting their approval, cars are honking, drivers are waving, babies are smiling, and the thunder of applause seems to rumble across the entire fucking city.

Now this is how you make a bid for the U.S. Senate.