But I know damn fucking well that’s not what’s happening with Emmaline. I invited her to my place tonight. I seriously doubt she’ll make it all the way to my home and then tell me, hey, I just realized I shouldn’t fuck my professor. Just that thought makes me want to squeeze the student paper I’m grading right now, but I resist the urge to brutalize this substandard paper I’m making bleed. I’m not cruel, not harsh, but I don’t go easy on anyone. That’s not my job.
As in my grading, when I fuck, I’m not looking to punish, but I'm looking to instruct. I’d like to show Emmaline’s body the answers to the question that her eyes always ask.
How can I please you? That’s what they look at me and say.
And that keeps me rock fucking hard every moment that I’m thinking of her.
A small part of me is desperate to bring me to heel. Make me see that I shouldn’t have ate her pussy and fingered her in my office until she was mewling and moaning out my name.
But I’m working hard to quash that part of me, because fuck that.
My cock and I don’t want to think about my moral quandaries. The truth is my hands are obsessed with Emmaline, too. I long to feel her skin against mine, to flatten my palms out over the planes of her ass and give her a damn good squeeze. I want to hear her yelp for me.
I like eliciting any sound I can from Emmaline. I have so many more in mind.
Fuck, I’m supposed to be grading and that whole thing I said about not being harsh? I underlined my last remark about eight times. That’s going to look pretty fucking dick-ish, but hopefully I don’t break any hearts. This particular student is afraid of me, but they’re holding themselves back from their real writing potential. Like s
o many lackluster writers I’ve had before, I know that with enough pushing I can get them to the place they need to be. I make or break the writing abilities of college students in this class. In my others, I make or break their ability to understand and connect with the written word from someone else’s pen. I love my work. Nothing distracts me.
And then the pair of eyes that distracted me vanish from my mind with a sharp knock at my office door.
It couldn’t be Emmaline, but for a second, I really hope it is. I consider for a moment how I shouldn’t want it to be her. I shouldn’t want Emmaline at all.
I mean, the stuff with Joelle? This isn’t about me recapturing my youth, though. I cared deeply for Joelle, but I’m past that. I feel an enormous sense of relief. Guess I’m supposed to feel like some kind of predator, but I want Emmaline too goddamn much to judge myself.
“Come in,” I say.
When the door opens, the last person in the world that I expect to see right now storms in.
“Ethan,” Joelle says, her voice tense.
I look at the woman I was downright obsessed with for so many years, and I feel…a friendly feeling. Fond memories. But no arousal. No pain. No angst, regretful, sorrow-filled thoughts.
I’m totally over her.
“Joelle!” I say, standing. “So good to see you. You look well,” I say.
She swallows. “You tell me why my daughter is asking about you,” Joelle says, skipping right to the point.
Well, shit.
“She knows we were friends,” I offer.
“Yes, and knowing that she and I are close, is that somehow relevant to your interests?” Joelle won’t come right out and say it, but I realize she’s on to me in a way that I know isn’t right. Joelle thinks I’m interested in getting to her through her daughter, Emmaline.
“No, it isn’t, Joelle,” I tell her. That’s the truth.
“Did you tell her about us?” Joelle asks. She is a worried mother right now, and I feel for her.
But that’s all I feel for her. I’m shocked at how devoid of spark I am right now. “As far as I’m concerned, there’s no us to discuss, beyond that friendship which has already been mentioned.”
Joelle scoffs. But she doesn’t say anything else.
“It means nothing to me now. If you’ll excuse me,” I clear my throat and indicate the enormous stack of papers on my desk. “I have grading to continue.” I walk toward the door and open it for her.
Joelle walks out and I feel such finality. I had already thought that my feelings for Emmaline didn’t concern Joelle. Now, I know.
But what the fuck am I supposed to do now…I realize that I care far too much about Emmaline. My passion will certainly overwhelm her, but we’re in too deep. I know how she reacts to me. I crave her the way she aches for me.