* * *
I finally get up and get dressed for work. I walk to the train and catch the uptown D train like normal to Times Square. It’s the same routine every day. If I had a better job and access to funds like the people I sometimes cover, I’d totally call in sick today. I’d be a rebel and break the rules and take the day to just be sad.
But I don’t have that kind of luxury. Instead, I do my best to keep a straight face as I walk into work.
The place is somber and grim. I know I’m early. It’s probably only 7:30 am, but it was better to come to work than sit at home and feel miserable. I didn’t even feel like morning yoga – something that I almost always never miss.
The giant clock is ticking towards 8:00 am, when the head of the Gossip Page – Page Eight - Mike, has his normal all-hands meeting on what we’re covering for the day. Since I’m a junior writer in Gossip, I usually don’t have to attend, but I like showing up because it shows I have ambition.
But all the department heads are already here today. They’re all glued in front of the television.
Sighing, and wondering what it could be, I turn towards the TV also.
The result is something out of Bizarro world. It’s him. The Prince. Prince of St. Livy.
Remember when I told you I didn’t have a great school experience? Remember how I said I was mocked and teased? That people were mean to me.
Well, the person who fomented all of that, the person without whom I probably would have been well accepted and maybe even liked, is right in front of me on television. The legendary playboy himself. The one, who despite how mean he’d be to me or ignore me, who’s body I would check out when he would run shirtless, doing laps for football practice after school. The one who has graced the front pages of my newspaper time and time again for a wide variety of reasons – everything from hooking up with famous married women to dumping Hollywood starlets at the altar.
He’s on television now and he’s naked. He’s holding up his hands and he’s…oh my God! He’s swinging his dick around. The networks have blurred it, but I can still sort of see it through the blurring. He’s waving it at the camera.
“You want a piece of this, America?” he says, holding it and stroking it. “I’m right here, waiting for you.”
He’s got a positively evil glint in his eye it seems. I wonder if he’s drunk?
Mike comes up to me.
Mike looks at me. “You see the news yet, kiddo?” he asks me.
I nod. The news to him can only mean the Prince. Forget about Iranian nuclear deals or sanctions against Russia or North Korean nukes. No, the news for us is a drunk or drugged prince waving his very large cock on camera for the nation.
“Well,” he says, “The D.A. is coming over. And she’s asked for a meeting.”
“Okay,” I say, still not sure what it has to do with me. So I ask him.
“Because, kiddo,” Mike says out loud. “As of this moment, we’re placing you as head of the Prince beat.”
Great. Covering the man who tormented my past on the day where another man destroyed my present. As if my life couldn’t get any worse than it is…
Abby Adams: Meet Prince Sin…
I’m Abigail Adams, and here’s what Abby’s hearing...
Well, the world had a pretty stiff awakening today when billionaire playboy Prince Derrick
Blaine of St. Livy decided it was time to get naked on set of a taping of CBC’s Today, USA. Not only did the entire nation wake up and tune in to scenes of him engaged in a very eye-opening, shall we say, display of his skills, but afterwards he sought to entertain the nation in lieu of an interview.
That's right America. That was his junk waving around in your face. For a good 15 second too before the network and its affiliates were finally able to go off the air. Interestingly enough, it seems that CBC as a network has never gone off the air. Never say never...
They say the early bird catches the worm. But this was no worm, ladies. We, at News of the Times, in our esteemed opinion think this was closer to a python or anaconda. And no doubt housewives across America today are a bit jealous at Today, USA host Mindy Friedman who was caught enjoying a nice large hunk of the Prince's junk…
Speaking of which, my sources tell me that CBC has terminated its contract with Mindy Friedman, after several high profile sponsors threatened to pull their advertising from Today, USA. It's ironic though, because those same sources are telling me that the ratings when CBC did come back on the air were stratospheric...
But not even ratings can help the beleaguered network. Executives attempted at first to classify the situation as a simple wardrobe malfunction. But wardrobe malfunctions don't involve the thrusting, grunting, and discharging to the extent that we were able to see. By my last count at time of publication, the YouTube hits on this footage have gone viral - surpassing three billion views. That's right ladies. Three billion…
Although not everyone is pleased. My spies at the FCC tells me that "lewd and inappropriate" behavior, which this morning’s actions account for can carry a fine of up to $30,000 per second. Care to guess how much money that is? Maybe they should measure per inch…
Although, if it really came down to it, who doubts that the Prince himself wouldn't just pick up the tab and pay it? Nightclub goers in New York can count off the top of their heads how many times they've seen His Royal Highness gracing the clubs. Reportedly spending close to $25,000 on certain nights, the Prince has a voracious appetite, indeed. In fact, friends tell me that the Prince was actually at the Waverly Inn followed by Pink Elephant the night before his fateful "interview".