"No, of course not," I tell her with a smile, and then I turn my focus back to the documents in front of me.
I’ve been living with the Donovans for more than a month now and, even though avoiding Clarise is close to impossible, I’ve been doing my best. Sure, that isn’t exactly a long-term solution, but I couldn’t think of anything better. After what happened in my first day at the estate, I simply couldn’t allow myself to be dragged down that path. And, taking into account that my resolve was crumbling fast, avoiding her as much as possible seemed like the logical thing to do.
Yes, I have dinner with the Donovans almost every day; but, aside from that, I don’t see Clarise that much. I spend most of my days holed up in the family library, completely isolated from the outside wo
rld as I prepare for my trial by fire. Jonathan has told me that he wants to meet me at the Donovan Towers for my first real meeting, and I’ve studied his investments like a madman.
Lately, though, Clarise has been spending her days in the library as well. I don’t know what got into her, but she looks like a woman possessed, always dragging a mountain of books behind her. I guess she took my words to heart, and decided to do her best to achieve her goals.
Well, at least I’ve been a positive influence on her. At least as much as she has been a bad influence on me.
No matter how much I try to restrain those thoughts inside my head, I fail each and every time. Everytime I see her it’s as if I forget all about who I am - I stop being Connor, a man of the Order, and I turn into… someone else. Someone dangerous and unpredictable.
"How’s it going?" I ask her, leaning back against my chair. Slowly, she raises her head from the large folder in front of her and looks back into my eyes, slightly surprised to hear me speak - whenever I’m around her, I do my best to keep my mouth shut. "Your studies, I mean."
"It’s hard," she sighs in frustration, patting the open pages of the book with the palm of her hand. "We’ve got so many investments, in so many markets… It’s almost impossible to keep track, you know?"
"I know," I laugh, waving at the documents in front of me. "We’re in the same boat, Clarise."
"We are," she says, a laugh escaping her lips and making the hair on the back of my neck stand up. I watch her lips move as she smiles, and the memories of their strawberry flavor hit me like a brick. Clearing my throat awkwardly, I give her one nod and try to focus on the documents in front of me. Of course, I’m no longer reading anything - I’m just staring at the letters and numbers, my mind racing at a thousand miles per hour.
"Hey," Clarise whispers, reaching across the desk and laying her hand on top of mine. I hold my breath as I feel her manicured fingers brushing against mine, and I raise my eyes hesitantly. "It’s okay. I’ve been thinking about it too."
"Thinkin’ about what?" I ask her, feeling like a complete idiot the moment I hear my own words.
"That kiss…" She whispers, that damned smile on her face. "I can’t stop thinking about it too."
"I haven’t been thinking about it," I lie, and her smile widens. Liar, I can almost hear her say.
"It’s okay, Connor. I won’t tell anybody," she says, lowering her voice. She gets up from her seat and walks around the desk, making her way toward me. Pushing herself up onto the desk, she sits there and dangles her legs from the edge.
"Clarise, I --"
"If you’re going to lie, I don’t want you to speak," she tells me, pressing her index finger over my lips and shutting me up.
"Okay, okay. I’ve been thinking about it… I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, Clarise. But that doesn’t mean anything."
"You’re wrong," she shoots back fast, "it means everything." Reaching for me, she rests her hand on my shoulder and slides it down to my chest, her spread fingers over my heart. "I can feel it in here," she continues, pressing the palm of her hand against my heart.
"Clarise --"
"I want you, Connor," she tells me, this time not even bothering with innuendo. She goes straight for the kill, her words like a spear straight through my heart. I want you, her words echo inside my skull, drowning all of my rational thoughts. My heartbeat becomes quicker, and I feel my cock twitching inside my pants.
I want you.
I want you.
"No!" I tell her, grabbing her by the wrist and pushing her away from me. Jumping up to my feet, I purse my lips and take one step back, almost as if I’m trying to escape her. She climbs down from the desk and follows after me, only stopping when I have my back pressed against the wall.
"Then tell me you don’t want me. Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll leave you alone," she whispers, so close to me that I can almost feel the warmth of her skin.
I open my mouth to do what she’s asking of me, but there’s a tight knot in my throat, one stopping all words from reaching my mouth. Looking into her eyes, my breathing becoming harder with each passing second, I realize that I simply can’t say it.
I can’t lie to her.
"See?" She whispers, her eyes still on mine. She takes one more step toward me, closing the distance between our bodies, but I sidestep her.
"I have to go," I tell her, my voice fraught with tension. Before I give her the time to reply, I march out of the library as fast as I can. I make my way toward the chapel, an angry swarm of thoughts stabbing my head from the inside out.