He’d told her, and himself, many, many times over the years, as he’d told his brother on his deathbed, that he’d always be there for Elaina. And so he did his dishes and put leftovers in containers for her, while she changed into sweat shorts and a T-shirt, her long, dark hair loose around her shoulders. She poured herself a glass of tea, offered him one and put a bag of microwave popcorn in while he chose the movie. If life were carefully choreographed, it could look like a normal night in a normal home.
Instead of a space in Nowheresville being used as a hideout from all that life had to offer. And dish out.
A space he’d created for her to hide out.
And him?
He didn’t see himself beating a path to Cassie’s doorstep...begging her to give them a chance. Assuring her they could make it work.
He opened the streaming service, and she chose a thriller drama neither of them had seen. And fifteen minutes into the movie, he knew something was up. Elaina wasn’t eating her popcorn. Hadn’t touched it since she set the bag on the coffee table. She wasn’t drinking her tea. And she wasn’t watching the movie.
“Why did you really want to spend the evening with me?” he asked. He knew her well.
And to her credit, she didn’t try to convince him she was really into movie watching. “It’s...things are changing. I knew we’d both move on at some point. Hoped it would be once I was making enough money to get a place, and I am now. But...”
Was she getting ready to tell him she was moving out? “But what?”
“I just... I’m afraid that you know that the time’s getting closer, and that it’s pushing you into something. I just...can’t bear the thought of you being hurt again, Wood. I’d feel so much better if you were dating someone. Hanging out with a woman who just liked you for you, not someone who needs something from you.”
That feeling she always seemed to raise in him, the one where he wasn’t good enough as he was, wasn’t worthy, reared its head, and for the first time, instead of acknowledging the possible truth in his feelings, he got just plain pissed instead.
“I’m not a damned kindergartner, El. I’m older than you are and quite versed in the ways of the world. And while, yes, I do have a tendency to like to take care of others, I also am quite proficient at taking care of myself. I’ve survived just fine for thirty-six years.”
“Life is about a lot more than surviving. I want to see you with someone who adores you. Who cares more about you being happy than her own happiness.”
The way Elaina and Peter had felt for one another.
“Point taken,” he said and looked back to the movie that had played on without them. “For the record, Cassie and I have decided, together, not to pursue a relationship between the two of us. I am not on the verge of being hurt. Now eat your popcorn.”
Wood went to bed that night without sending Cassie a picture of baby furniture. He did text to tell her goodnight, though.
Then he lay in the dark. Tossing and turning. Aching for a woman who made him happier than he’d ever been, and who, at the same time, left him feeling as though he’d never be enough.
Yeah, their situation was fraught with emotional upheavals that had nothing to do with dating or sex or romantic love. Yeah, it would be a bad time to start something.
But the bottom line was that Cassie didn’t trust herself to love him. Didn’t trust that what she felt might become love.
And he didn’t trust her to love him, either.
Wondering how in hell, when all he’d ever wanted to do was look out for those he cared about, his life had twisted so far out of control.
Chapter Twenty
Cassie looked forward to birthing class like she used to look forward to Christmas. Not only did it make the fact that she was actually going to have a baby of her own seem more real, and she was going to get so much information that would all be part of the process, all like little presents to her, but she was going to get to spend the entire day with Wood.
Their first ever.
She’d be happy with a healthy baby and days with Wood as her only gifts for the rest of her life.
She’d scheduled them for the first Saturday in September. She was roughly thirty-two weeks along, according to her latest scan, and everything was looking good. They’d done another impromptu ultrasound in the office just to confirm. She’d texted Wood as soon as she’d found out it was happening. And again when it was done. He’d responded in spite of the fact that he’d been on the job.
He still texted every night. They still met once a week for a meal. He was great when he was with her, but there was something different about him, too. She couldn’t place it. It wasn’t like before, when the tension between them had been building. But telling herself to quit borrowing trouble, and being thankful for what she had, she soaked up all of him that she was allowed to have.
She’d been gone for a weekend, too, to see her mom and Richard, and on another overnighter to San Diego when the monthly Sunday friend brunch was down there. Her workload was as steep and satisfying as ever, and her paralegal had made plans to throw a baby shower for her. Her college friends were throwing another. And her mom was having one at home, too, for everyone she’d known growing up.
All in all, life was better than she’d imagined it would be when she’d first set out on her quest to have a family on her own.
And still, her heart ached in a way she hadn’t known it could.