Maybe. But like she’d told Jamie, life wasn’t always neat and perfect.
“Taking care of them... I love that about me. I don’t resent one single second of it.”
“You don’t regret not getting to sit in the lunchroom with friends and be privy to the gossip? Or to try out for cheerleading or band? You must have been lonely. Didn’t you ever wish it could have happened differently?”
Of course she had. The loneliness had been acute. Which was why she’d been so ripe for Nathan’s support and companionship. “They couldn’t help getting sick,” she said. “Just like Mom couldn’t help dying in childbirth, trying to give me the sibling I wanted. Or like any of your patients can’t help getting diseases that end up requiring great sacrifice of, and pain to, their parents.”
“So if you weren’t looking for a clearer understanding of the past, why did you bring it all up now?” Olivia’s glance was serious. Firm.
“Because you and I are the same,” she said. “Because you get that a woman can choose to give her life to a career and others, and have that life be as valuable, as happy, as one who chooses not to live alone.”
Olivia’s gaze darkened. “Oh, sweetie,” she said. Appeared to have some difficulty swallowing. “We aren’t alike at all in one very important way...”
Their waiter came close, looking at them, and turned away.
“Yes, I believe a woman dedicating herself to her career can be vital, but that’s very different from choosing to be alone. You can be all those things you described and still share your life.”
Christine opened her mouth to argue. Figured she’d said enough. Until you’d lived without any freedom because you were tied to loved ones, because you were all they had, because they meant so much to you, you probably wouldn’t understand.
“Nine years ago, when I was still in med school, I was married.” Olivia’s words shocked her. Olivia had been married? “My husband was ten years older than me, and wanted to have children right away. He was also quite wealthy and thought it made more sense for us to start our family, and then for me to go to med school. It was our only real issue—my dedication to a career—and I adored him. We compromised—we’d start our family, but I was also going to stay in school. Our baby was born with severe birth defects. She lived almost four months, but then we lost her.” Olivia’s tone didn’t change. She was speaking facts, not feeling the emotions they created. Christine knew because she recognized herself in her friend.
“Don’t tell me the jerk blamed you...because you were in school or something...”
“No.” Olivia’s smile was tinged with sadness. “And he wasn’t a jerk. But Lily’s death was hard on our marriage. I ended up specializing in pediatrics and buried myself in saving other people’s children. The last straw for us was when we found out I couldn’t have any more babies.” Olivia explained that the problem was not with her eggs, but in her body’s inability to successfully nourish a fetus.
“I admire the hell out of what you’re doing here,” she said, leaning in with arms crossed on the table in front of her as she spoke to Christine. There were other people around, parties coming and going, but Christine had hardly been aware of anyone. “Giving a man a chance to have his child...it’s incredible. Being able to have a child at all is an incredible thing to me...”
So they weren’t alike. Something awakened in Christine. She couldn’t define it. Didn’t recognize it. But felt enlightened just the same.
“But I’m telling you this because I’m not alone by choice, Christine. I adored my husband when I married him. And I adore him still. He’s a good man. A great man. We just weren’t good together after Lily died. We handled it differently. I needed to work. To bury myself alive or die of grief. He needed more of me. More from me. You know the statistics...how many marriages fail when a couple loses a child. It doesn’t kill the love, though. And I haven’t met a man who even comes close to instilling that kind of love or passion in me.”
“Do you ever see him?”
“Sometimes. Not often. It’s too hard.” She waved her hand and then leaned in again. “When I asked you why you didn’t sleep with Jamie, you immediately spouted off about professional ethics,” she said. “But those are only going to be an issue until after the baby’s born.”
Tension passed through her system. Grabbing hold.
“I’m thinking there might be more to it than that. You didn’t need to speak to me, someone who you thought was like you, if your only concern was professionalism,” Olivia continued, and Christine felt like a woman tied to a train track with an engine veering down on her.
She needed to stop her friend before she said anything else. And needed to hear what was being said, too. Olivia was right. She’d told her about her past for a reason.
Because it seemed to be looming in her present, and she couldn’t put it to rest. From the time she’d graduated from college and opened the clinic, she’d never looked back. Never had a problem leaving the past behind. She’d been happy.
Content. At peace.
“Is it possible that you’ve been hiding behind professionalism all these years, finding enough satisfaction in The Parent Portal and the family you’ve built there to keep from being hurt again?”
“Of course not.” She was a woman with her eyes wide-open. Had been since the moment she’d given birth and allowed the nurse to take her child away and never bring him back.
Sitting back, Olivia reached for her purse. “Okay,” she said. “It was just a thought. So, if your only problem is the professional relationship between you and Jamie, the solution is simple. Wait it out until you recover from having the baby and then sleep with him.”
No. She frowned, putting her credit card on the tray with the bill. No, she was not going to sleep with Jamison Howe.
“I’m having his wife’s baby. She’s the one he loves. I’m just a stand-in.”
“Maybe.” She seemed to be waiting for more.
“The last time I felt this way, my heart broke.”