A Mother's Secrets (Parent Portal 4)

He nodded. Shook his head. And drove.

She didn’t say a word as he pulled into the partially full parking lot and stopped the SUV. A group of teenagers was unloading a cooler out of a van, heading toward the beach just yards away. The ocean roared to shore and receded in the distance.

Unfastening his seat belt, he reached over to unbuckle hers, and then, leaving the console down between them, said, “You’re giving life to my son. So I found yours. You owe me nothing...”

He didn’t want her gratitude.

Her lips trembled as she teared up, and he noticed her hand cradle her belly. His son. Who she was caring for so carefully. Because that’s what she did. Never asking for any emotional sustenance for herself. Or expecting any.

“I love you, Chris. With every fiber of my soul. That’s why I found your son. Not for anything for me, but because it’s what I know you needed. That’s what love is. And I might not live through the night, or I could live to

be a hundred, but I will always be loving you and doing everything in my power, wherever I am, to give you moments of joy. It would mean everything to me if you’d share my life with me, raise my son with me, but if not, I’ll still be loving you.”

She shook her head, and he closed his eyes as his heart sank. And yet, it didn’t sink far. Because he’d done it. He’d given her what she’d needed most. And if that meant she went on and opened her heart to someone else somewhere down the road, then that would be enough.

It would really be enough.

Just like an enduring love minus jitters and emotional intensity had been enough of him for Emily?

When her finger brushed against his mouth, and then up to the corner of his eye, he opened them to see her gazing at him, the look in those brown eyes so filled with emotion they glistened, but not with tears.

“I’m not good at this, Jamie. I want to spend a life with you, to raise this baby with you. I don’t even know how to start. All I know is being alone.”

With one hand he had the console up and was already reaching for her. “I can be patient,” he said, moving over as he pulled her to him, until they were away from the steering wheel and her pregnant self was on his lap. “And I have it on good authority that I’m an excellent teacher,” he said, knowing when to give her what she needed. In that moment, she was her father’s daughter. Needing a minute of distraction from an intensity she’d forgotten how to trust. To embrace.

“I love you, Jamie Howe.”

Her words dropped softly into the vehicle, wrapping around him. Words he hadn’t been sure he’d hear. Words he hadn’t been sure she’d ever be able to say.

“I love you, too.” He didn’t bother to try to hide the tremor in his voice. Or the arms that held her.

She nodded. Settled more firmly against him and said, “I want to wait to have sex with you until I’m just me again. I need to know you see me as me, not as his incubator...”

“I’ve never seen you that way,” he interrupted. He’d done his own reading. About transference, too. But he also understood.

Chris was Christine. She needed that part of herself. And more, the world needed her. She had a purpose that served far more than just him.

“I was going to say that as long as you agree that there will be no sex until I’ve recovered from the birth, then it would probably make sense for you to move out of the cottage and storage and into the home that it looks like we’ll be sharing for the rest of our lives...my house.”

He chuckled. He couldn’t help it. And then laughed out loud. Chris might be coming back to life, but Christine was right there with them. Just getting right down to the practical.

“What?” she asked, pulling back.

“You,” he told her, kissing her. Long and deep. Without any humor at all. And yet, he was pulsing with a euphoria all new to him. “If you’re okay with it, I’ll start moving in tomorrow. And I hope you have a room in mind for William Ryder’s nursery because I have a load of boxes to open and furniture to start putting together. Our son’s going to be here before we know it.” He placed his hand on her belly, and while she placed hers on top of it, she shook her head.

“The next one will be ours, Jamie,” she said. “I will love William Ryder as much, I will mother him with all of my being, but he belongs to you and Emily. When he’s old enough to understand, he has to be told. And to honor her.”

“I see it a different way,” he told her, tracing her lips with his finger. “I see us all back in high school. Emily is my best friend. And you’re my girlfriend. And the two of you meet through me, and form your own sisterly closeness. And together, the three of us, go out into the world and support each other throughout our lives, and love each other’s children.”

“She’ll always be a part of us.”

“Yes, and you’ll always be a part of us, too,” he said, not sure how that worked in the real world, but knowing that it all added up to him.

And that his total was right.

“Together. Forever. As a family.” Christine’s tone was firm.

“Forever.” He knew the promise he was making.