“If you’ve got the right partner, he or she wouldn’t let you give up yourself. They’d be watching out for your happiness at the same time.” Not that it was any of his business.
“He,” she blurted. And then frowned. “I’m attracted to men,” she said then.
And he reiterated, though he didn’t know why he was pushing it. “Your abhorrence for a partner might change if you meet the right guy.”
She shook her head. “I won’t lead you to believe that, even if it makes you feel better. I know myself and I’ve made my decision. I’ve been there. I’m not good at it. My mother’s the same way and, believe me, my sister and I suffered for it.”
Alarm bells went off in his brain. “Suffered how?”
“My stepfather was a drunk. He was actually a pretty cool dad when he wasn’t drinking, but when he was...” She shook her head. He wanted to look away. To walk away. He couldn’t move.
And not just for his child’s sake, though that was part of it.
“Was? Your mother divorced him, then?”
“No. That’s the point. Duane always comes first. Over herself and everyone else. She just has this incessant need to please him. And he lets her. He’s not narcissistic, really, but he likes her attention.”
“Do you still see them?” His gaze was direct.
“Oh, I see where you’re going with this,” she said, setting her glass on a coaster on the table between them. “And you have no need to worry. In the first place, Duane’s been sober for years—of his own accord. And he’s been nothing but supportive. He’s excited to be a grandfather. He’s not an alcoholic and he didn’t drink all the time. His work never suffered. He never drank and drove. He drank at home, and was a mean drunk until he lost it on my little sister one Sunday afternoon. He cleared all alcohol out of the house that night and hasn’t taken a drink since. Not even a toast of champagne at his niece’s wedding. You have no cause to worry here. While he’s pragmatic and was strict with us, he was only mean when he was drinking. I don’t see him all that much, even though he hasn’t said anything out of line in years. And if I ever heard him mouthing off to my child, it would be the last time he saw me or my family.”
“So that Sunday, that was the first time he ever got ugly with either of you?”
She wasn’t sure what the question had to do with the future well-being of her child. But she didn’t mind answering, so said, “Physically, yes. He was never physically abusive, but he’d get really verbally abusive when he was drinking. Mom would just tell us girls to go to our rooms. Or we’d just go there on our own if he ever drank when she wasn’t home. That day, though, he’d burst into my sister’s room. He’d never done that before. The closed door usually stopped him. For some reason that day it pissed him off.”
She couldn’t tell by his expression what kind of conclusions he was drawing. And ke
pt telling herself it didn’t matter. The minute she said they were done, they were done. Period. She’d kept up her side of the agreement.
But if she wanted him to stay away, to give him the peace of mind to not have to check up on them every few years, she needed to reassure him.
She kind of wanted to reassure him now, anyway. He was a decent guy and she was, overall, a kind woman.
“Angie and I both have scars from growing up with Duane’s drunkenness,” she said, thinking she could help him understand that her baby was going to be fine with her as a single parent. “Angie more than me, because I never had to face him alone. It was after I left for college that he went off on her. And she hasn’t had counseling,” she added. Then she got to the point, saying, “My mother loved Duane and gave up herself to him to the point that she couldn’t leave him, or make him leave, even when he was being detrimental to our well-being. Now that’s not to say that she didn’t stick up for us. She did. To a point. She’d take the brunt of his anger. And she’d always insist that he apologize to us afterward, which he always did. He’d say he didn’t mean the vile things he’d said. He’s spent the past several years proving how sorry he is for the man he’d been when he was drinking. He’s sincere. And with all the years of sobriety deserves a second chance. But those words he used to say... don’t go away.”
You’re just like your mother...you don’t know when to say no...
She was getting offtrack. The doctor, with his looks of compassion, was easy to talk to. Too easy.
“Anyway, Mom’s life wasn’t happy. She lived in constant fear of him being invited out with his buddies, or some client. New Year’s Eve and Super Bowl Sundays were not good times in our home. All because she couldn’t say no. And what I’ve learned about myself is that I can be similar to her.” Just as Duane had always told her.
“How do you know if you don’t give yourself a chance to find out?”
More of that blue-eyed dose of caring. The guy was like a feel-good pill.
Like the laces she’d sewn to her plain purse and generic jeans to make herself feel good enough for high school.
“Oh, I had my chance,” she told him, taking a long sip of juice. She wasn’t really showing yet, but felt bloated and thirsty all the time.
Not something a man would find attractive in a woman he was just meeting.
And that was just fine with her. His gorgeousness and all...that wasn’t anything she wanted or needed in her life.
“And I was just like her.”
She was an adult now. In control of her life. Making the educated choices that were best for her. And for those she loved.
“I gave up everything that mattered most to me, ditched my loved ones, to please the man I was with and I didn’t even see it as a bad thing, at first. You asked about regretting something so much you couldn’t let it go?” she asked him. “That’s it. Those months of choices I made when I was with Mike, they aren’t ever going to happen again. And the only way I can guarantee that is to make certain that I don’t ever get that attached to a man again. I’ve made my choice, Dr. Harmon. No partner. But a happy, healthy family with tons of support.”