She shook her head, fire in her eyes as she glanced across at him. “What do you want from me, Rafe?”
He should have an answer to that. Drew a blank.
“Why did you tell me about Payne’s ultimatum? What was your goal? What did you expect was going to happen?”
“I see you looking for answers, constantly needing to understand what’s going on, and it felt wrong to be holding on to a piece of information that would help you understand your own past.”
“You wanted to give me closure.”
“Yes.” Originally. And still. Though now he wasn’t entirely sure what had actually prompted the words up and out of his mouth that evening.
“So... I got it.” She was looking him right in the eye.
He was missing something vital. He didn’t know what. So couldn’t ask for it.
“And these past couple of days...the...connection we’ve shared...that’s just...gone?”
He wouldn’t believe that. Just wouldn’t.
Her smile warmed him, and bothered him, too. “We’ll always have a connection, Rafe,” she said, her tone close, personal. “But it’s based on the past, which has been over for a long time. I see that now. I will always love the boy I knew. Our time together will always be sacred to me...”
Why did he feel like she was digging a grave with every word she spoke?
“We’re two people with a shared past who are momentarily thrown together, and I’m so thankful to have a chance to spend time with the man you’ve become, to get to know him, but it’s not like we’re anything more than strangers to each other now. How could we be?”
“You don’t seem like the type of woman who has sex with a man she just met. Or with a man who feels like a complete stranger to her.”
When her glance dropped back to her computer, he felt as though he’d scored a victory. And hated the game he was playing.
Because he wasn’t playing. The realization was just there. He had no idea what he was doing. Or why.
“Can we at least be friends?” he asked, needing her back, in whatever capacity she’d agree to come back.
“Of course.” Her smile was unfamiliar, seemed to be tinged with sadness. “Those kids we were...we’d never be able to live with them if we weren’t.”
Her words settled the storm inside him, something she’d always been able to do.
He decided to leave well enough alone after that.
Chapter 18
Kerry called it a night at ten. She told him they both needed to get some rest as they probably had another long day coming up in front of them. She knew she did.
“You have your choice of my bed, or the inflatable mattress on the floor between my bed and the wall,” she told him. And then, just to be clear, “If you choose the bed, I’m taking the mattress and placing it between my bed and the door.” She was on the job. Had agreed to protect him.
“I’m fine on the couch,” Rafe said, without even a hint at hoping for more.
Even after all he’d said, she was still disappointed by that. It was so wild, how long it took t
he heart to catch up with what the mind knew.
What she needed was a good cry. A chance to let her heart vent and rid itself of dreams gone dead. And she’d have it. Just as soon as she had some time alone.
“Which means I’ll be on a mattress between the couch and the front door, which is drafty and it’s January, so I’d really appreciate it if you could take the bed.”
She was trying to be respectful, but commanding. As she would with anyone she’d been sworn, personally, to protect. She really just needed him to get his sweet ass the hell into bed, any bed, so she could take a few minutes to breathe.
“I’ll take the mattress on the floor between your bed and the wall,” he said, without a hint of complaint in his voice. Damn. The man sounded like royalty even when he’d been reduced to sleeping on an inflatable mattress. Because, after all, no matter where he slept, he was still a Colton.