Stella started to fuss even before the door closed behind Nolan. As if she could truly sense her mother’s state of mind, as some experts said babies could do. More likely, she could feel the trembling Lizzie was trying desperately to control. There were two full bottles in the fridge, and frozen breast milk in the freezer, too, but Stella wasn’t usually content to take a bottle whenever Lizzie was around.
Grabbing the baby’s favorite pacifier, she offered it up, and sent up a quick word of thanks when Stella suckled contentedly. The baby wasn’t due to eat again for another hour or so. But that could fluctuate an hour either way, too. She was keeping Stella on a baby-driven schedule at the advice of her pediatrician and based on the reading she’d done. As much as she could, anyway, with her and Carmela’s schedules. Carmela, who’d been to a few of their doctor appointments, supported her choice.
Would Nolan?
Would his family try to intervene? To determine that some other way was better for the child? Try to force formula on her so that Stella wasn’t as dependent on Lizzie?
Rocking the baby softly as she walked, she told herself to get a grip. If she went nuts she’d be no good to Stella at all.
Nolan was sitting on the edge of one end of the couch, hands folded, thumbs rubbing back and forth against each other. He seemed to be honing in on the blank TV screen, but every other second or so, he’d glance at the baby swing.
Feeling a little less rattled, Lizzie lifted a dozing Stella up onto her shoulder, and joined him in the living room—taking the chair farthest from the couch.
“I’m sorry for how I look,” she said softly, not wanting to rouse Stella. “I was planning to shower while she napped.” His glance finally turned her way, and she wished like hell that she’d kept her mouth shut.
Why hadn’t she just been silent?
What did one do when the father of one’s child showed up suddenly on one’s doorstep and found out he was a father?
She took control, that’s what. Stella was depending on her to take care of this situation.
“I don’t want anything from you,” she said, putting every ounce of classroom authority she could muster into her tone. “You purposely aren’t named on the birth certificate so you needn’t worry that I’ll come after you later. And I’ll sign anything you need me to sign relinquishing you of any responsibility.” Once the words started, they just rolled off her tongue, as though all of those months, thinking about what she’d say to him if she ever saw him, had been rehearsal for now.
“When I found out I was pregnant there was time to terminate easily, medically speaking, and with little risk. Adoption was always an option, too. On my own, I knowingly made the conscious decision to have her, to keep her, to become a single mother. I chose to take on this adventure and I hold no one but myself accountable to it.”
There. Good. She was in control. The boss.
“I have a daughter.”
Sounding more shocked than threatening, Nolan looked right at her. Lizzie, feeling threatened, said nothing.
“I’m a father.”
“Biologically speaking.” Yes. Right. She could do this. Stella sighed, her pacifier slipping down the back of Lizzie’s shoulder as those tiny lips let go. Lizzie rocked her.
Nolan blinked. And seemed to change, right there before her eyes. It was like someone had opened up a spout and all kinds of emotion came pouring out. His gaze was personal, warm, to the point of melting her insides. Nolan Fortune was gone and Nolan Forte had entered the room. Not really, she knew that, but for a second there, she was in love again.
But only for a second.
“I don’t know what to say.” He just sat there, rubbing his hands, staring, while his expression changed. And changed again. His eyes had grown moist. Her heart lurched. She’d had weeks to come to terms with reality before she’d really even started to show. Months before her life had irrevocably changed.
He was getting the full deal in a matter of seconds.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she assured him, calming as she realized that she truly did have the upper hand. “This has to be a shock, but really, Nolan, nothing in your life has to change. It’s not like she suddenly just landed on earth. She’s been here three months, we’ve been doing just fine, and will continue to do so. I’m happy. Truly happier than I’ve ever been.”
Except maybe during some of those most incredible moments with him the year before. She’d touched true joy for the first time the night he’d held her in his arms.
“I...” He just sat there, watching her.
Lizzie didn’t want to be rude, but she really did have to get on with her day. Take her shower. Do some laundry. Change the sheets. Make dinner for Carmela. Feed the baby several times in between it all.
Cry a bit, now that Nolan knew.
“I don’t know how to hold a baby.” His hands stilled. “I’ve never held one. We don’t... None of my siblings have kids yet.”
“You don’t need to hold her.”
“I think I do.”