“Do you think it’s affecting his work?”
“Not at all.” Susan shook her head again. “From what I can tell, he’s better when he’s on the road. Hasn’t missed any work at all. He only seems to drink when he’s in town.”
“Seth told me you missed a couple days of work.”
What was Seth, anyway—his sister’s keeper as well as a lush? “Just that morning sickness I told you about. It’s no big deal.”
“You’ve never missed a day of work before.”
And, that quickly, he was a polite stranger again, awkward, finding it difficult to meet her eyes. Love, fear, despair. They all rolled into one mass of emotion that threatened to consume her.
“I’ve never been pregnant before.”
His eyes, when they finally met hers, were troubled. “I’m sorry, Susan.”
“I’m not,” she said, then added, “At least, I’m not sorry I’m pregnant.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“Sorry I put you in this position, sorry I didn’t see what my asking you to play a part in this was going to do to you. To us.” She reached for his hand across the table. “I wish it didn’t have to change things.”
Michael turned his hand over, threading his fingers between hers. “There doesn’t seem to be any way around it,” he finally admitted. “How can I see you and not see that child you’re carrying?” He didn’t give her a chance to respond. “And seeing that child, how can I not find myself grossly lacking?”
. “I went into this with my eyes wide open; Michael,” she reminded them both. “We had a very clear understanding that I would take, that I wanted to take, complete responsibility for this baby.”
He pulled his hand away, sitting back, his expression stormy.
“You very generously did me a favor, Michael. Why can’t we just leave it at that?” It had all sounded so simple to her when she’d first come up with the idea.
“Because you’re sick, for one thing.”
“It’s normal. It’ll pass.” She hoped. With twins, chances weren’t as good, but either way, she’d manage.
No matter what she said, though, she couldn’t seem to wipe the lines from his forehead.
“I guess I’d better go.” He stood up. “I’ve still got to check into a hotel.”
Taking a deep breath, Susan told herself not to push, not to be a fool. “You could stay here,” she said.
“Not this time.” He retrieved his jacket from the rack by the front door. “I’ll be in touch.”
And, once again, he was gone.
THE NEXT NIGHT, with some half-formed thought that he’d be doing Susan a service, Michael made plans to meet Seth at the bar around the corner from Seth’s apartment.
Two drinks into the evening, he wasn’t sure who was helping whom.
“Is there something that says a man has to be a father to be a decent human being?” Michael asked, studying the amber liquid in his glass. He’d never found any answers there, but he kept looking just the same.
&nbs
p; “Not that I’ve ever read.”
“Then how about something that says a man can’t be decent if he doesn’t want children?”
Seth gazed at him across the scarred wooden table, his eyes tired. “Isn’t that the same thing?”
“Hell, I don’t know, man.” Michael downed the last of his drink. “I can’t figure what in hell’s the matter with me that I’ve never wanted kids.”