A Child's Wish

“How did you feel about that?”

He glanced over at her as though he’d just realized who she was—and that she was asking some fairly personal questions. Meredith was ready to leave.

“I encouraged her to stay home,” he said then, with a discouraged shake of the head. “I was pretty much head over heels in love with the kid myself and wasn’t any more eager than Barbie was to hand her off to strangers when she was still too little to tell us how she was being treated.”

“Did your wife miss journalism?”

“That’s the damnedest part,” Mark said, sitting forward, rubbing his hands together. “She didn’t seem to at all. Those first four years with Kelsey she seemed so happy. Now that I look back on it, I can see signs that she struggled, too. I know I should’ve encouraged her to go back to work, but I sure didn’t see it at the time.”

“Change is hard. She’d have struggled going back to work, Mark, even if that had been the right choice. But it doesn’t sound like it would have been.”

“You don’t need to spare my feelings,” he said with a sad grin.

“I’m not.”

Mark watched her for a long minute and suddenly Meredith knew that something had changed. In him. In her. She had no idea. Was too emotionally drained to figure it out.

“So what went wrong?”

He didn’t answer right away, except to shrug. And then he said, “I can’t pinpoint anything that was wrong between us. I’ve tried until I drive myself crazy with it, but I can’t figure it out. The random outbursts grew more and more frequent and over the most innocuous stuff, and she just wasn’t happy anymore. With me, with herself, the house, this town… Anything.”

“Except Kelsey.”

“Except Kelsey. Until she started school. Then even Kelsey seemed to bring her sadness. Kelsey was off with others, didn’t need her as much. I think she felt abandoned.”

“Most women go through something like that when their firstborn starts school.”

“I know.” Mark grinned at her for real. “I’m in the business, too.”

She’d forgotten. For a second there he’d just been a person. Not her boss.

“But with Barbie it was more than that. She couldn’t seem to be happy on her own, although she desperately wanted to be. She started to worry all the time—about everything. Getting sick and not being able to care for Kelse

y. Kelsey getting sick. Me being in a car accident.”

“Sounds like a serious case of depression.”

Mark agreed. “I begged her to go see someone, even told her I’d go, too. But she said she didn’t want psychological help, because she wanted the chance to control her own mind. She said that she had the power to do it and knew if she gave up she’d never get herself back. She also worried about the side effects of medications. She’d already seen her doctor and he couldn’t find anything physically wrong with her, though he did suggest antidepressants. She wouldn’t take them.”

“She sounds like a strong and determined woman.”

With his head bent toward his hands, Mark glanced up at her and back down. “She was sleeping quite a bit and she knew that wasn’t good, so she started drinking caffeinated beverages. Said it made her feel good—gave her a pick-me-up. In a few months, she had a soda or cup of coffee by her side all the time. She was up to almost a twelve-pack of cola a day. Which eventually made her more jittery, and then she needed something to bring back the good feeling. That also brought about more unpredictable mood swings.”

“A vicious cycle,” Meredith said, feeling a whole lot more than she wanted to, yet oddly welcoming the information. Knowing about Mark’s ex-wife brought her closer to the daughter Barbie had borne.

“I tried to get her to exercise. The endorphins helped her mood swings and the physical activity calmed the jitters. But that lasted less than a month. She took up quilting, photography and Web design, all of which she began enthusiastically and ended in short order the first time she got frustrated.”

“Is that why she left?” Meredith asked after a bit. “To try something else new?”

“She left the day I found out the secret she’d been keeping from me and told her it had to stop immediately.”

“She was having an affair?”

“She was addicted to meth.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“SHE CHOSE methamphetamines over you and Kelsey?”