And only in the confirmation did she realize that she’d subconsciously been hoping that someday he’d tell her differently. That she’d spew her accusations and he’d dispel the hurtful assumptions and tell her...what?
“However,” he continued, “it’s important for you to know, in light of Jeff’s situation, that I tried to talk to you about my issues, but you refused to believe me.”
“What?” If he’d told her he was a Martian she couldn’t have been more surprised.
“I told you I struggled with the very real possibility that I could be like my father.”
He had. Several times. “In the beginning, yes, you did. You were completely honest with me way before you even asked me to marry you. But that was it, Brett. I assured you that I wasn’t afraid. That your fears were just that—fears. Not reality. And our years together proved me right. Even in the worst times, you never once showed any sign of violence.”
“Why do you think I grew more and more distant?”
Confused, Ella stared toward his shadow in the moonlight. Was this really happening?
“You want me to believe that you were struggling with anger issues?”
She sat. Welcomed the air cooling her hot skin.
“The first time I noticed a burning need to lash out was your freshman year in college when we were all at the homecoming party at the Delta house and that lecher, Danny Simpson, had you up against the wall, pawing you...”
She’d forgotten all about that. Danny, while pretty much a loser slob, hadn’t been a mean guy. He’d been attempting to come on to her and had been too drunk, falling against her and trapping her against the wall. He’d also apologized a thousand times over the next day and had appointed himself her silent slave for the rest of their years in college.
“I didn’t even know you saw that,” she said now. She’d been at the party as Brett’s date. From the moment she’d stepped foot on campus as a freshman, in his and Jeff’s sophomore year, she’d been Brett’s date.
“I was heading over to save you from him, but you disentangled yourself and led him to a couch before I could get to you.”
She w
ished she could see Brett’s face. It sounded as though he might be grinning.
And her belly flip-flopped. She’d given him a memory that made him smile.
“I’m not seeing where the anger issue was in all that,” she said. She knew for certain he hadn’t gone after Danny. The guy had passed out minutes later and hadn’t come to until the next day.
“Inside me,” Brett said. “It’s not what I did. It’s what I felt.”
Light flashed behind her eyes. Almost as though the sun had suddenly started shining through the night sky, and then was gone again. Leaving her sitting beneath the canopy in the dark.
“You saw an injustice. You saw me at risk of getting hurt, and you got mad.”
That thing with Danny had been before they’d ever made love. Long before he’d asked her to marry him.
“You’re doing it again.”
Another jolt. Her stomach turned, and nausea was there. “Doing what?”
“Making light of what I’m trying to tell you.”
“I’m not...” Ella replayed his words in her mind. Brett saw himself as someone he wasn’t. His inability to trust himself came from his youth. Her job was to help him see himself as she saw him. Right?
But... “Why do you say that?”
“Ah, El, this isn’t worth going into. You were a great wife. I failed. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
In some ways she really wanted to.
“I don’t think so.” Because his words, if he didn’t explain them, were going to give her sleepless nights she couldn’t afford. She’d already had more than her share. And she told him so.
“In the first couple years of our marriage, during those first fertility treatments, I’d tell you about my fears. You’d basically pat me on the head. You didn’t believe me when I told you I was struggling.”