The Good Father

* * *

BRETT WAITED FOR Ella after work on Saturday. He’d rescheduled a dinner meeting and given away courtside basketball tickets to be back in Santa Raquel by three so he could find her car before she got to it and drove away. Luckily she’d found a spot in the on-site lot. He didn’t have access to the garage.

He wasn’t going to call and just be sent to voice mail. And he didn’t want to risk having to make small talk with Chloe at the apartment.

She stopped short when she saw him standing there among all the vehicles lining the lot. She’d made it to about five feet from her car.

“It’s okay,” he said, holding up both hands as he went to meet her. Her scrubs were purple again, with primary-colored teddy bears, and her hair was up in its usual ponytail. “I’m just here to apologize. And to explain. When I said that nothing’s changed, I was referring to me trying to do the right thing and hurting you instead. I wasn’t talking about the baby or my feelings about the pregnancy in any way.”

She nodded. Looked toward her car but didn’t leave.

“Ella? Can we talk about this?” he asked, following her. “I was up most of the night and don’t imagine you got much sleep, either. We’re having a baby. We need to figure this out.”

Her expression closed to him, Ella tilted up her face. “You’re right. I was up most of the night and after a full shift, I’m exhausted. But I know this, Brett. I’m going to be happy. I’m sorry for the cards you were dealt. I’m sorry for me that you are my one and only. But I’m not going to spend my life unhappy because things aren’t different. I’ve been given a second chance. I’m embracing it for what it is. Thrilled that it’s here at all. And I can’t afford to deal with your issues anymore. I can’t keep opening myself up to being hurt when you can’t come through for me. And I can’t keep hurting you, either, making you feel like you’re doing something wrong all the time, just because you don’t need the same things I do, or feel as I do, or think like I do.”

Her blows bounced off him like arrows against steel. He stood and took every one of them. Because he’d spent one of the most uncomfortable nights of his life. And that was saying a lot. Because Ella’s shocking news was forcing him to face up to the life he’d been dealt.

“I withhold affection when you need it most. You can’t trust me to be caring when you need to be cared for.”

“Maybe. Probably.”

“When you miscarried, I thought I’d been given a sign. A reprieve. I could be a selfish bastard and stay regardless of who got hurt because it was what I wanted. In spite of the fact that you knew I’d seen a divorce lawyer, you weren’t going to kick me out. But I saw what it was doing to you, El. Every time I got quiet, your shoulders would hunch. Your face got tight. It’s like a little more of you died every day. I’d try to think of something to say and just came up blank. And I knew my reprieve, my second chance, was to set you free.”

“Maybe, but you wanted out, Brett. That’s the truth that finally dawned on me. You didn’t try to get help. You just saw an attorney. And later, just left. You aren’t your dad, you know. You’re your mom. You check out. And maybe you can’t help that. I just know I can’t do it anymore.

“I’m sorry,” she said then, her eyes warming and glistening, as if she might cry again. But then her shoulders slumped and the softness came back into her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said again, giving her head a little shake. “I’m not myself right now. I don’t mean to be so hard on you. Or so harsh. It’s just...I’m... I have to be strong, Brett.”

He nodded. Wanted to take her in his arms and promise her that everything would be all right. That he’d be strong for her when she couldn’t be.

But he knew he couldn’t.

Ella couldn’t take any more empty promises.

“I was going to call you,” she said, her voice gentle. “I was wrong yesterday. So wrong. I want you to know that as far as I’m concerned, you have no obligation here, at all. I’m perfectly okay and capable of doing this on my own. But I have no right to keep you out of your child’s life. This baby is yours as much as mine and you are welcome to whatever involvement you want to have. If that’s financial, then so be it. This baby is mine, but only on loan. I can’t control every aspect of his or life—including his relationship with his father. And I just can’t do...you and me...anymore.”

She was beautiful. And so far away. And so right. Again.

“Let me ask you something...”

She waited.

He stood in the employee parking lot of a children’s hospital and felt as though he was somehow fighting for his life.

“Knowing what you know about me, if I was around, would you really trust me not to abuse my child?” The question was purely hypothetical, but one that had repeated itself over and over as he relived the last time she’d carried his child.

“Of course I would. It’s not a matter of what I think of you, Brett, it’s a matter of what you think of yourself that’s always been the problem.”

The arrows hit flesh that time.

“Who knows, maybe with you living separately from us, if you are involved in the baby’s life, you won’t feel so afraid of getting out of control. You’ll have your own place to go to when you’re angry, so maybe you won’t be so paranoid about what you might or might not have in you. All I know is that you’ve taken almost thirteen years of my life, Brett. You can’t have any more.”

Unlocking her car, she flung her bag over to the passenger seat, climbed in and drove away.

But not before Brett had seen the tears in her eyes.

And he knew she meant every word she’d said. If, upon hearing the night before that Ella was having his baby, he’d had even half a hope that they might find some kind of future together, she’d just snuffed it out.

* * *