The Good Father

And when he hung up, he wasn’t feeling nervous about the plan at all. He wasn’t worried about finding another perfect house for him to live in. He just wasn’t fueled by a need to do so. He had nothing to prove to himself.

To prove to himself? Was that what his life had become? A series of accomplishments that were all designed to prove...what?

That he could control his life and thereby control himself?

He texted Ella as he finished lunch, just to tell her he’d left a voice mail.

There was no response.

During the afternoon break he called Ella’s cell phone. Monday was her day off. And she always responded to him, at least with a text. When she didn’t answer, he tried his mother. If there’d been an emergency with the High Risk team, she’d know.

At the same time, he texted Jeff, just to ask how things were.

Jeff texted back immediately. He and Chloe and Cody were spending the afternoon at a carnival that was in town.

If there’d been an emergency, Jeff and Chloe would have known about it. They were listed as her next of kin. She’d already told him that.

And Brett forced himself to calm down. Ella was fine. Brett just wasn’t a priority in her life.

Because that was the way he’d wanted it.

* * *

“I THOUGHT I was over him.” It was late afternoon. Ella sat with Lila in her little apartment at The Lemonade Stand. She’d already spent an hour talking with Sara, telling the other woman her life story, or at least the parts that pertained to Brett.

Neither Sara nor Lila knew, of course, that the man she was talking about was the founder of The Lemonade Stand. She couldn’t betray Brett, even now.

“I went through all the counseling,” she said again now. Repeating herself because no matter how many times she explained things, she couldn’t find the road that would take her out of the past.

Lila had been sitting, mostly silent, for the past hour.

“It’s not like I don’t want to say no to him,” she said. “I do in my mind. But my feelings don’t follow my head. I want to move into his house. I want to live there. I want him in my life.”

“Because you love him.”

“Yes, but it’s destructive. Because he’s right. I wasn’t happy with him. I needed more. I could have done more, too. I see that now. I didn’t accept him for who he was, but for who I thought he could be—in terms of our relationship. But even if I had accepted him for him, I still would have been incredibly lonely. Because I need more than he can give.”

“Can or will?”

“What?”

“You need more than he can give. Or will give?”

“I think with him that’s one and the same. He can’t let himself open up because he’s afraid of experiencing the full strength of his emotions. So the will is the choice not to let himself, but the fear makes it so he can’t.”

“But this...you being here...it’s not really about him. Is it?”

Ella shook her head.

“I’m ashamed,” she said.

“Of what?”

“I’m so busy thinking of my own life, of how hurt I’ve been and how to prevent being hurt again, and in doing so, I’m hurting him.”

“Sometimes pain is inevitable.”

“Yes, but I was so certain when I came here that I was strong enough to move on with my life. But the truth is, I’m not strong enough to stop loving him. I say I will, but I don’t. We’ve been apart all these years and here I am, pregnant with his child and ready to move into his house. Just accepting what he decides he can give in spite of the fact that I know it won’t be enough.”