She stopped. Her words hanging in the room. Scaring her more than she’d thought possible.
“I’m weak where he’s concerned,” she said. “It’s like my feelings for him have some kind of power over me and I let them manipulate me. And not only do I get hurt, but he does, too.”
The pattern was slowly showing itself to her. The books she’d read. The things she’d told Chloe. The loneliness she was trying to run from.
“And then how do you hurt him?”
“Because I need what I need. Want what I want. I tell him how much I love him, but I don’t accept him for who he is.” He’d said she’d been so busy telling him what she saw in him, she’d quit listening to what he saw. Who he was inside. So he’d quit talking to her about it. “I set standards he can’t possibly meet.”
“Maybe so. But your needs and wants are a natural part of you and speaking about them, asking for them, is healthy.”
“I didn’t come to Santa Raquel for my new job, did I?”
“Why did you come here?”
“Because I knew he lived in town. I came here to be close to him. I’m like a pathetic groupie. I don’t get mad at him, I just hang around and let him make us both miserable. I just can’t believe it took me so long to figure it all out.”
“Our minds have a way of presenting things to us when we’re ready to accept them,” Lila said. “It’s called getting clarity, my dear.”
Her mind went blank.
And then started racing.
“Growing up in an abusive home, not having stability or security even in the simplest of things, instilled in him the need to be in control above all else. And he and I both suffer because of it.”
It was all so clear.
So frighteningly, horrifyingly clear.
“And because I love him, I put up with his inability to open up, to love and share a life with me. I know he can’t help it, so I hang around. But I feel helpless. And eventually hopeless.”
All these months, she’d been thinking she was proving her ability to be over Brett. To help Chloe and Nora and others take back ownership of their minds. Their hearts. Themselves. And while Chloe had grown stronger, Ella had fallen prey all over again...
“He must be a pretty fine man, this ex-husband of yours,” Lila said, her eyes glistening as though she might be holding back tears.
“He’s a great man, Lila. And I don’t just say that because I love him. I look at what he’s done with his life, apart from me, of course. He is a man who has a national reputation for honesty. He got a lot of press at a young age due to a business he’d developed and sold. He was the golden boy everyone could trust. And still is. Believe me, some would love to find dirt on him, but it’s just not there.
“He has never once given me cause to doubt his integrity.”
“It sounds like he’s a man worth fighting for.”
The words stopped her.
Again.
“I thought the plan was for me to be free of him once and for all.”
“The plan is for you to be healthy.”
“How can I be healthy while I’m controlled by the love I feel for him?”
“Are you sure that’s a bad thing? If you were in an abusive situation and continued to go back to it, that would be unhealthy. But from what you’ve said, that’s not the case here.”
“It can’t be healthy, though. It’s like we’re both beating our heads against the wall. We just keep hurting each other.”
“I’m suggesting that maybe love is pushing you toward him for a reason. You love him. And maybe it’s that love that keeps sending you back to him. Love isn’t easy, my dear. Nor is it always wrapped in pretty packages. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to where you need to be. But the love is strong enough to carry you through.”
The words were softly spoken, but they exploded inside her.